Page 22 of Recipes for Life

"If you wanted to poison me, my love, you could have just snuck something into my coffee."

He advanced toward me and pulled me to him until my head rested on his chest.

"I take it dinner is ruined?"

"That was dinner?" He poked at my side. "What were you trying to make, anyway?"

"You couldn't tell?"

"Uh, no. It’s just burnt hockey pucks now..."

For some reason that made us both erupt into laughter. In between my laughter and gasps for breath, I was able to mutter out what I'd been attempting to cook for us, "Frozen chicken nuggets." My admission only caused us to laugh even harder until we both had tears running down our cheeks.

"Helloooo, Mommy?" Lux's voice infiltrated the memory, and I found myself still locked in a stare with Murphy. He also sported a somewhat glazed overlook, and I noticed we both were half-smiling at each other. Whether it be because of the past moment, or the moment we were in now, I was unsure.

I turned my gaze to my daughter. "Sorry, what was that?"

"I asked if I could go play. I finished my sandwich."

She fluttered her eyes at me in her best attempt at a puppy dog face. She looked so adorable, I agreed before realizing that it would leave me alone with Murphy to finish dinner.

Chapter 16

Murphy

I watched as Lux hopped down off her barstool after Odette told her she could be excused. I felt my hands shake when I went to grab Lux’s plate off the tabletop. I’d been feeling nervous since Odette said she would come over for dinner, and I was barely able to contain it.

When she called meMurphonly a few minutes ago, I thought my brain had short circuited and I was dreaming. I never thought I’d hear her call meMurphagain.

“This is kind of awkward,” Odette said while I was placing the plate in the sink. She’sright,it is awkward. I don’t know what to say to her; it’s taking all my self-control not to lay myself down at her feet, whispering,I’m so sorry, I love you, I’ll always love you, I miss you. Do you still hate me as much as I hate myself?

Doing my best to shut up my inner monologue, I placed Lux’s plate in the sink behind us, and turned to face Odette, hoping she didn’t see my still shaking hands.

“It is.” It was awkward, sitting in the same room as my ex-wife—the woman my entire heart still beat for it and was the closest to me that she’s been to me in years—and I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know if she wanted to hear how fucking sorry I was. I didn’t know what she wanted from me, what she needed. I was too scared to be the one to make the first move toward, well...anything. She had cut me out so completely, and my heartpicked up to an impossible speed thinking that one wrong move would make her disappear again. So, I remained silent, hoping that she caught on that this was all up to her. Whatever she needed, whatever she wanted, it was hers.

“Murph?” Her voice caused me to look over at her again, her eyebrows raised in question. She must have been talking while I was lost in my thoughts.

There she goes again with the nickname.

“Sorry, what?”

She chuckled at me, almost in understanding.

“Why don’t you stay in the house?” she asked, almost a little hesitantly.

I sighed. I promised myself I’d never lie to her again, but I didn’t think she was ready to hear the truth, so I battled internally over what I should do. Running my hands through my hair, I could tell she could sense my internal battle.

“Please, just tell me?” Her eyes searched mine, and I saw a hint of compassion there, and warmth spread through my chest.

I couldn’t bring myself to make eye contact with her as the words tumbled out. “I…I just couldn’t be there without you, Odette. We planned our entire lives…” I couldn’t make the words come out without my throat constricting to an uncomfortable level. Tears built up that I couldn’t seem to hold back, but I tried again to explain.

“I hate myself when I walk into that house, which I deserve, but Lux doesn’t deserve to see me like that. I can’t bring myself to remove things that were left there, I can’t… I just can’t be…” I couldn’t get anymore words out, so I turned to face the sink and get the dishes done from the easy dinner while the heaviness of what I said lingered in the air.

I started scrubbing the pot aggressively, trying to keep the tears at bay.I’m sure that’s exactly what Odette wants to do with her time, comfort her piece of shit ex-husba—

Before I could finish the thought, I felt soft arms and a soft body wrap around me from behind—and my body recognized hers instantly.

“Thank you for telling me,” She whispered. I could feel the wetness that was coating her cheeks as she squeezed in closer, causing her face to connect with my back. I relished the feeling of her after all this time, but I also had to prevent myself from flinching. As much as I loved her touch, it reminded me of how much I didn’t deserve it. How much more she deserved, then and now. I bowed my head and couldn’t stop the tears that fell, and Odette stood silently, just holding me through it.

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