Page 37 of Addicted

I nearly blow out a breath of relief, glad that I can give my mother some good news. She’s outside of this building right now, piling pressure on me, wanting me to be everything that she needs and more. She has spent her entire existence molding me in to a model of her and now that needs to come to fruition.

But Tim’s face… Oh God, I’m not supposed to be thinking about Tim. Like my mother said, I made a choice to do the right thing. It was up to me and I chose to come to this job interview. I need to push him out of my brain forever. After the way I cowardly let my mother yell at him in the street anyway while I stood back and did nothing, I wouldn’t be surprised if he turned and ran at the speed of light, glad to see the back of me.

That makes my heart sink, I can’t help it. When I’m in my mother’s company, she lets me know why letting Tim go is a good idea, but when I’m alone all that I can think about is how much better life was with him. Even if it was only a dream, only a fantasy, only a little blip in the path of my life.

“So, Kayla Smalls, do you have any questions for me about the role? While we are here?”

Shit, I know that it shows initiative to ask questions, my mother told me as much, and she gave me a list to work with, but Tim has entered my mind now and my brain is foggy. I can’t think of anything. Shit.

“Er, no, I think you answered everything.” I smile thinly, guilt flooding me. If I wreck everything because of this one part of the interview my mother will tear me limb from limb. “Thank you very much…” Oh God, and now I can’t even remember his name. Why does Tim distract me so much? “This was… yes.”

I wonder where Tim is now. I wonder where he drove to, which way he went on to his next adventure. Will he meet another woman? Will he share a connection with her like he did me? Will he fall in love? Will I fall in love now? Or have I blown my one shot at happiness and now I will be married to my work like Mom?

Oh God, she is my future, isn’t she? I am going to become my mother. In a way I have always known that, but now it’s more stark than ever before. Like Tim said, it’s my life, isn’t it? Do I want that? I respect my mother and I’m glad for what she has done for me, I’m happy that she’s happy as well, but is it for me…?

“Right, well if there is nothing else…” The man rises from his seat, letting me know that the interview is over. At least, that’s what I think is going on. “Then I will take you for a tour of the office.”

“Oh, right!” Is that common? I certainly didn’t have it at my last job interview. “Okay, sure.”

It will be something to tell Mom anyway, won’t it? Something to shut her down. I can already feel a small bubble of anxiety in my stomach knowing that she’s going to have something negative to say no matter how well I do, so what I need to do is have a bunch of positives to counter act that. Then at least we might have something of a pleasant evening, nothing like last night. Then, once I do get this job, I will get to move out anyway because I will have my own money. I can get an apartment and lose her influence over me some what. Not totally, of course, I don’t think that she’s going to be fully willing to let me go. But I will be alone…

Alone and wondering what happened to Tim. Sure, it hurts more now because it’s so fresh, but I honestly can’t envision a time where I won’t be thinking about him and imagining his adventures, wishing that I was along with him, especially when the pressure is high and I have been working all night long with the weight of the world on my shoulders. During those times I will be wishing that I ran off in to the sun set after all…

I try to get my head in the game as I meet a sea of faces. Everyone is nice enough, they are all very polite with me and I’m sure that they would welcome me with open arms, but all I can really focus on is how tired and stressed they all look. They are pale as if they haven’t seen the sun in years which frightens me. I know that under all of my mother’s make up she is the same way. Pale with bags under her eyes. That will be me. Playing a role every single day, acting in a way that really isn’t me, putting that mask on every morning.

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