Page 54 of The Leaving Road

“I guess…I guess I don’t know. The beginning?”

He sighed and visibly flinched. “Can I just tell you that it took me alongtime to realize my mistakes, and I’m currently still in the process of righting my wrongs?” He looked a little bit paler than he had a minute ago, and my heart hurt for him. I did my best at scolding myself for that;Ideservedto know the truth, even if it pained him to tell it.

“It started at a party, right before senior year. I was actually on my way out before Cassie stopped me and we got to talking, and…well, one thing led to another. Before I knew it, we were…” he trailed off, giving me a look as if asking,do you really want me to continue?

I raised my eyebrow in response.Yes,I told him without words.

“One thing led to another, and before I knew it, we had slept together. I was naïve, and from that moment on, I wasinfatuatedwith her. Looking back now, after having some real-life exposure and not being a seventeen-year-old hormonal kid, I can see I was ruled completely by my hormones. It…it had felt so good at the time that Iassumedit only felt that good because I had feelings for her. I think a part of me always knew that wasn’t the case, but thedamagehad already been done.”

He looked down at his plate and frowned, then pushed it away, making it clear his appetite was now gone.

“At the time, I was unsure why I was hiding it. I kept rationalizing it to myself that I did it because I didn’t want tohurtyou, but I knew it was because, if the truth came out, I wouldloseyou. Magnolia, in no certain circumstances was that something I was willing to risk…but I always wasn’t willing to give Cassie up because I had convinced myself I was inlovewith her.”

Some of the color had returned to his face but it was a fierce crimson.He’s embarrassed.

“We met up at parties; we drank, we had fun, and I thought to myself,this is what it’s supposed to be. This is the high school experience.I saw it on movies and TV shows, that’s what it’s supposed to be. Jock meets cheerleader, jock dates cheerleader. They go to parties and end up happily ever after. I had everything sotwistedin my mind, and I know it’s because I was just trying to ease myownguilt and avoid what I already knew.”

“And what was it that you knew?”

“That I was never in love with Cassie, but I had made a choice—even though it was the wrong one.Part of me knew you wouldn’tevergive me the time of day once you found out, so I stuck to my guns.I loved her, it was worth it, this is what I wanted.”

“And?”

He laughed, but there wasnonote of humor in it. “And it wasexactlywhat I had already known: Cassie was the worst mistake of my life.”

I stayed silent, still processing everything he told me.

“She kept nagging about it, what happensafterhigh school, and I was still trying to figure outwhat I was doing, you know? Finally, it got to the point where I just started agreeing with her because it was easier. Her dad had rented her an apartment for college, and she needed aroommate. One thing led to another and before I knew it, I agreed to move in with her. I had convinced myself that she waswhatI wanted, and it was the next logical step. Not bothering to factor in that I barely spent any time with her, other than at parties and drinking…and uh…well, you know.”

“Having sex?”

The crimson traveled all the way to the tips of his ears. “Yeah, that.”

“And?”

“And then you left,disappeared.I panicked when I got that phone call from my mother saying she stopped by your house, and it looked likeno one had been home. I worried something had happened to you at the graduation party. I called and called, only for it not to ring through. I’d never been blocked before, so I didn’t realize what the empty dial tone meant. I texted, I pleaded; I went door to door, asking if anyone had seen you. Once my mom got a hold of your dad and he explained you’d just simplyleft, all my worry turned to rage…”

“Rage?”

“I’m not proud of it; I had planned on telling Cassie that Iwasn’tmoving in with her, and that our relationship had neared its end, but when I found out you had justleft,I blamed you for my anger. I blamed you for a lot of things that weren’t your fault… Instead of blaming myself for my idiocy and actions, I blamedyou.With all that anger, I vowed to make my relationship with Cassie work because at least she didn’t leave me.”

“That’s not fair,” I whispered.That’s not fair. I only left because of what I overheard.

“I know it wasn’t fair that I misplaced my anger for myself on you.I know that. It just took me a significant amount of time to figure that out. It took you calling me out on my shit to realize howwrongI was about why you left. But I made my bed.

“So, I stuck it out; I tried to make things work with Cassie, but it wasterrible.We spent our entire relationship fighting, getting back together, and drinking all weekend because I couldn’t stand her when sober. Eventually, I was doingeverythingI could to avoid her—working endlessly, basically trying to find a way out of a relationship but being too much of a coward to end it. Then, I had the idea to start my new place.”

He gave me a sheepish look, and I shot him a knowing one.

“Yulianas,”I said, and he nodded.

“Yes. I explained it to my dad, and he was totally on board, but he explained that it would bemy place.I needed to talk to the bank, I needed to get the funding. This was my rodeo, and sure, he would help, but if it was something I wanted, then I had to make it happen.”

I did my best to hide my smile, but I was unsure if I succeeded. I wasproudof what he accomplished. Clearly, he built it from the ground up, and regardless of what his muse was, that place wasallhis.

“That’s when things really started to unravel. I was under the impression that Cassie was working for her dad—and that was what she did all day. She ended up dropping out of college, telling me it was because her dad offered her a position she couldn’t refuse. I should have questioned it because her dadneverwould have let her drop out, but in all honesty, I justreallydidn’t care. Our relationship was a joke at that point; she knew it, I knew it. I was just too cowardly to end it, and well… I realized she was using me—not that it was shocking, or at least, it shouldn’t have been.”

“Using you how?” I murmured. It was easy to see the shame that was written all over his face.

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