Page 113 of Revealing Mark
As he spoke, it began to dawn on me. “You think I did this on purpose because we were getting too close? ”
He nodded. “If you weren’t scared, you would have talked tohim about this instead of giving it all up in the name of sacrifice. Look at you, you’re not happy and, believe me, he isn’t either. So, what did you get out of it?”
I bit my lip as I contemplated his words.
“The only thing you got out of it was distance. He was getting too close so you panicked.”
I was shocked. Was he right? Had I done this subconsciously, without even realizing it? Was I a coward?
“I…”
He shook his head while he rubbed his chin. “You need to have a good long think about what you want because you may have already lost the only chance you’ll ever have with him.”
My bottom lip trembled.
“I was scared for him,” I whispered through the emotion tumbling through me.
My brother shook his head gently. “No, you were scared for you. For the first time, you loved someone, and when that happens it can be scary and exhilarating at the same time.”
“But he could get hurt?” I argued. My fears hadn’t been unfounded.
“He could get hit by a bus tomorrow. There is no surety in anything,” he explained gently. “His job is high risk but if it bugged you that much you could have talked to him about it. You guys could have found some common ground.”
He sighed. “Sarah didn’t want me in the field either, but we spoke about it and I made the decision to take on a more managerial role in the company.”
Had I screwed up my only chance with him?
“I don’t know what to do?” I murmured, my mind running wild with new things I hadn’t even considered before.
“Well, you’d better make up your mind and do something about it quickly.”
It took me another full day to come to the realization that Matthew had been right. I had called Mark but it had just gone to voicemail. I hadn’t left a message, but he never called me back. I tried again the next day but this time when he didn’t answer I left a message asking for him to call me back. Another day passed and he never called back.
He wasn’t making this easy at all. A fear that I had really screwed things up beyond repair began to seep in and I began to panic. He didn’t come by on Sunday for lunch at my parents’ place, either. He was making it impossible to talk to him.
Eventually, with no other choice, I went to his apartment building using the new car I had meant to return to him. When I entered the foyer, the doorman stepped into my path. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we have strict instructions that you’re not allowed into the building.”
I faltered. He didn’t want to see me. It shouldn’t have hurt but it did.
Feeling dazed, I wandered out of the building and sat down on a nearby bench, trying to figure out what I could do next, but he had cut off every avenue I had already tried. How could I talk to him when he was making it so difficult?
I picked up my phone and called my brother. “Matty,” I said, feeling like the world was crushing down on my shoulders.
“What’s wrong?” he asked softly.
“He won’t see me. How am I supposed to fight for him when he doesn’t want anything to do with me?” I asked, pulling a thread of my skirt.
“I want to be able to help but my hands are tied. He’s keeping me at arm’s length at the moment.” He sighed. “You’re just going to have to wait it out and hope it isn’t too late.”
I ended the call, feeling lost with no direction. I couldn’t make him listen if he didn’t want to.
My brother’s words echoed in my mind: ‘hope it’s not too late.’
Feeling defeated, I went home and huddled on the couch with a spoon and a tub of ice cream. I had really messed things up so bad. I had let him down just like everyone else in his life. Maybe he deserved someone better than me.
I ate a spoonful of ice cream and I was well into my pity party when my phone rang. It was Sebastian. I contemplated whether to answer it or not. Eventually I did.
“Hi,” I murmured, unable to hide the pain splitting my heart open.
