Page 63 of Loving Taylor
I glared at him before I looked over his shoulder at Taylor.
"I don't want to upset you more, so I'll leave," I said, finally relenting.
She trembled, clasping her hands together.
"But this isn't over," I warned her softly.
I wasn't going to give up so easily. I would give her time to deal but I was going to be back.
Before I left, I gave Matthew one more look, telling him exactly how close he had come to having a personal meeting with my fists. I slammed the front door when I left.
The heaviness in my chest wouldn't go away. It felt like a weight pressing down on my lungs and it hurt when I inhaled.
I lay on my bed, trying to figure out the exact moment I had realized the confrontation with Taylor had swung against me. The situation hadn't been helped with the interference by Matthew. Just thinking of him made my muscles tense in preparation for a fight.
I spent hours in the garage working out, trying to expel the guilt I was feeling and the anger directed at Matthew. If he hadn't been there I could have talked her around but his interference had stopped that.
He didn't understand how much was at stake. I swallowed.
Slater peered in and asked me what had happened but I couldn't even admit out loud to him what I had done. In a world where we were trying to forget our pasts, I didn’t think he would understand my reasons for snooping into Taylor's against her wishes.
And I didn't need another person to look at me with the judgment that I had made a big mistake.
Even I struggled to explain what had pushed me to do something so wrong. I cared for her. There was no doubt about that. So the question still remained, why had I dug into a past she didn't want anyone to know about?
I couldn't pin the blame purely on Connor. He had pushed me but I was the one who had crossed the line into her privacy. I flung my arm across my eyes, trying to block out the pained look in Taylor's eyes when she realized what I had done. Even the memory had the ability to make me feel as bad as I had when I’d been standing in front of her and watching her reaction.
It had been more than just curiosity. Was it a need to be able to understand her better? Every so often when she let her guard down I could see the glimmer of sadness. And I’d wanted to know what had happened to put it there.
Now I knew. I understood her so much more but I had lost her in the process.
Before, I had felt some hope, but now I was wrestling with the fact that this was something she could not forgive. The thought brought an ache to my chest. I put my hand there to soothe the pain as I sat up.
I also understood her brother's protectiveness. I would have locked her up to keep her safe. Even now her fragility pulled at the protectiveness I felt for her.
My somber mood was matched by Slater's. There was something going on with him, he was quieter than usual, but I wasn't in a place to try and figure him out when I was dealing with so much myself.
Walking over to the window, I looked out at the early morning darkness, wondering what Taylor was doing. Thinking about her reminded me of the irritating presence of Matthew. Why was he in her life? I didn't recognize him. Was he a friend? An old acquaintance? Whoever he was I disliked him.
While I searched the starry night for an answer, I had a thought. I touched my tongue to my lip ring as I considered the only way I could even things between us. It wouldn't completely wipe my betrayal but it may lessen the blow.
I hadn't completely opened up to her about my past. Maybe giving her all the rotten details would show her that I wanted her to see all of me and not just the side I showed the world.
But I remembered parts from the news articles that spread fear through me. If I told her the complete truth it might have the adverse effect and send her further away. No, I decided right then and there I couldn't chance it.
Unable to sleep, I went downstairs. The light from the living room told me that I wasn't the only one. I wasn't surprised to see Slater sitting in the chair. He was drinking a beer and set it down when I entered.
"Can't sleep?" he asked.
"No," I said with a sigh as I slumped down beside him on the sofa.
A few moments of silence fell between us.
"You want to tell me what happened?" he asked.
Now that I'd had the chance to work through some of my guilt and pain, I could open up to him. I wasn't going to tell him the details about Taylor's past. He didn't need to know that and I respected her enough not to share them with him.
"I did something I wasn't supposed to."
