Page 99 of Loving Taylor
Sally, her nurse, gave me a slight nod before she left us alone in the living room.
"Sit down," my mom said, steering me to the sofa, where I dropped down into the seat.
She sat down beside me as I rubbed my hands over my face, trying to figure out where to start.
"I fucked up," I admitted, unable to look at her when I said it.
"Tell me what happened," she suggested. She touched my arm and I looked at her.
I told her everything. From the first time I’d met Taylor to when I had left the hospital with her refusing to see me. I told her about Taylor's past I had discovered and the folder with my background that I had found in her bedside table.
I looked to her for answers and she gave me a thoughtful look.
"She is dealing with a lot," she said and nodded, understanding. "She just needs time. Let her work herself through her ordeal and then she might feel differently."
I wanted to believe her but I was scared that even if she did, the one thing from my past would end it.
I stood while my mom remained seated, watching me. I raked a hand through my hair.
"What happens when she finds out what I did?" I asked my mom, scared at what she would say.
She gave me a sympathetic look tinged with her own guilt. "If she truly loves you, she will understand."
I let out a deep breath. Would she be able to see past the act to the reason why I had done it? There was so much riding on this.
Even though none of this had gone as planned, I couldn't wish that it hadn't happened. Caring about her had given me meaning in a life I had been wasting on nameless girls and endless parties. She had shown me there was so much more to life than the shallow one I had led.
But the chance I was going to lose her scared me.
"I'm sorry," my mother said, sounding hoarse. I looked at her with my hands resting on my hips.
"Why are you sorry?" I asked her softly.
"It's my fault," she said as her eyes began to fill up with tears. "If I hadn't been drinking my way into an early grave, you wouldn't have been forced into it."
Her words were true but I didn't blame her. Not anymore. There was no point in hanging on to all those old feelings because it would only hinder any relationship we could have now.
I sat down beside her and put an arm around her. She trembled as I hugged her.
"We've all made mistakes," I said gently. "I don't blame you anymore."
She pulled away and looked up at me with tear-soaked cheeks. "You should."
I smiled and shook my head. "What counts is what you do now."
She nodded and brushed her tears from her face.
"You've really grown up into a good young man," she said softly, looking at me proudly. I one-arm hugged her gently in response.
"You might be a little biased," I teased, wanting to lighten the emotional moment, and my mother laughed.
It wasn't a sound I heard often. It made me hold her a little tighter. The emotions I felt for her swept through me.
It also gave me hope. If I could mend things with my mom then it gave me the confidence that I could fix things with Taylor.
I hoped that when Taylor found out the truth she would be able to understand why I had done what I had. I wasn't a bad person, but I had been forced into doing some things I wasn't proud of because of circumstances beyond my control.
I couldn't erase what I had done but I couldn't allow it to ruin the future I wanted, with Taylor.
