Page 77 of Loving Taylor
Chapter Twenty-Three
My anger was still goingstrong when I got home. I didn't even greet Slater when I entered the house. I went straight up to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me.
Why had she allowed her brother to interfere? I sat down on my bed, trying to deal with the suffocating emotions that were making me feel like my chest was being split open. The rawness confirmed I was damaged. I raked my hands through my hair before slightly pulling some clumps of hair in my hands to direct my emotional pain to a physical one.
I couldn't stop myself from ruing the moment I had given in and made the decision to take Taylor's virginity. What the hell had I been thinking? I had allowed her to push me into a corner. The idea of someone else doing it had pushed me into action. I wouldn't allow that to ever happen again, I swore to myself.
If I hadn't broken my rules I wouldn't be feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. So I shouldered some of the blame. It wasn't entirely her fault.
I rubbed my forehead as I tried to figure out what to do next. I couldn't stand to even look at her at the moment.
For the rest of the day I stayed in my room, unable to face anyone while the feeling of betrayal was still fixed in the middle of my chest like a metal chain. Even when Slater had knocked a few hours later, I had told him to go away.
He was worried. I had never acted like this before but I couldn't even bring myself to lie and tell him I was fine, because I wasn't. There was no use denying what anyone could see for themselves.
The thought of going back to college and possibly running into her held no appeal at all. I only got a raised eyebrow from Slater when I missed the first day of classes.
"You ready to talk about what's been bugging you?" he asked when I didn't bother to go the next day either.
"No." My answer was tight.
He waited a few moments for me to say something more but when I didn't he moved on to the next subject.
"You talk to Taylor?" he asked.
I'd been a nightmare to be around. I had been moody and uncharacteristically withdrawn.
I shook my head. "There is nothing left to say." I was being stubborn. Even though I had done almost the exact same thing, I didn't know if I could find a way to forgive her.
My past was firmly in my present, wreaking havoc, and I had no idea how to put it away again. But I didn't want to be crippled by a past I couldn't change. Like my issues with my mother, I had plenty of issues with my father.
Even in my mind it felt like an alien statement. Father.
I didn't even know what he looked like. I had never seen a picture of him. In my mind he was a dark form of an evil man that my mother had built up with her bitterness. He was human, with flesh and blood. He wasn't an all-consuming presence that plagued my mind.
When I thought back to what my father had done, my mother had every right to feel betrayed. But it didn't give her justification in blaming me and holding on to that excuse to stay locked in her heartbreak. She'd never allowed any guy close enough to hurt her again.
I tried to keep my mind off Taylor and the horrible feeling that spread in my chest when I remembered back to our last encounter. The throbbing pain in the middle of my chest felt just as raw as it had when I had discovered the folder.
It was getting late but when there was a knock on the door, I gave Slater a questioning gaze.
"You need something to distract you," he said, heading to the door. "And I have the perfect solution."
I wasn't in the mood for company. I crossed my arms as I waited for him to spit it out. "And that is?"
"Poker night," he announced as he opened the door. In walked Traye and Dominique holding a six-pack of beer.
They were football players and were usually the life of the party. Dominique was built, with wide shoulders. He wasn't your typical pretty boy, having a slight reddish tint to his blond hair, but the girls loved him. Traye was leaner, with dark brown hair and eyes to match. He was a few inches shorter.
We came from such different backgrounds but here and now it didn't seem to matter.
I shook my head at them but Slater wasn't going to let me sit this one out.
"Come on," he said, throwing an arm around me and leading me to the sofa. "It's time to have some fun."
"You just want me to take your money." I frowned but sat down on the sofa. "Why don't you save yourself the trouble and just hand it over now?"
"One of these days I will beat you," Dominique swore and I smiled, loving the challenge.
