Page 100 of Breaking Matt
I shook my head. "I'm not here for forgiveness."
I wanted him—but I didn't know how to tell him that. I wasn't good at all this emotional stuff.
"I can't read your mind," he said when I remained quiet.
"You. I'm here for you," I finally said, having the courage to say it out loud. "I've tried going back to the girl I had been before I'd met you, but I can't. No matter what I try, I feel empty and lost."
I swallowed while he continued to watch me. "You changed me. With you I wanted more and now I can't go back. I need you." It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him I loved him—but I stopped myself.
He rubbed the back of his neck and I waited. The sinking feeling in my stomach grew.
"I want you." I shrugged, trying to lessen the rawness I was feeling. I had opened up completely and I had no idea where he stood. "I want what we had."
He shook his head slightly and I swear I felt my heart shatter. The pain was so intense it felt like a physical pain. My lungs constricted with shock.
"I don't want to go back to the way things were."
And there it was, his rejection. The pain was indescribable. I took a step back, feeling the need to run but he crossed the room and his hand caught my wrist.
"Where are you going?"
"You've made yourself clear," I answered tearfully as I tried to pull my wrist from his grasp. He refused to let go.
"We're not done."
He released me and I rubbed my wrist gently. His touch had left a tingle of awareness.
"You have no idea how devastating it was waking up and finding that you weren't there. Tracy told me you had left. I couldn't understand how someone who could love me would do that."
"I did it to keep you safe," I reinforced. Surely he had realized that?
"It doesn't make it hurt any less." He shrugged. "What you did was selfish."
Confused, I frowned. "Selfish? How is that selfish?"
He glared at me. "You cut me out of your life. You were only thinking of your own guilt and not how it would affect me. Yes, I was injured, but I knew I would be able to recover quickly because I was fit."
That hadn't occurred to me. Hearing his words gave me an insight into his struggle and made me feel guilty for making the difficult decision to do whatever I could to keep him safe. And even knowing that, faced with the same decision I knew I would do it again.
"It wasn't like that at all," I mumbled. "I just wanted to keep you safe."
"Like I wanted to keep you safe." And he had made his point.
For the first time I saw a softening in his gaze. That made me feel hopeful I was reaching the part of him that could still love me.
"Why didn't you come back after I was admitted to the hospital?" I asked.
He studied me for a moment.
"Do you know why I became a bodyguard?"
I shook my head. He'd never talked about it before.
"I've always felt naturally protective of people; maybe it was because I have two younger sisters. For every person I have protected, I have formed some sort of bond with them. Like with my friend Taylor. But you weren't like any of them."
He let out an emotional breath and I felt hope. It was better than indifference.
"The moment I first met you, I knew you were going to turn my world upside down." He'd never spoken so honestly about his feelings like this before. It was like I was getting a glimpse behind the curtain to see the true man behind it. "But even then I never could have foreseen how fast and hard I would fall for you."
