Page 67 of Breaking Matt
"Don't push yourself too hard," he said. "You've been through a traumatic event and you need time to deal with it."
Traumatic.Someone had tried to kill me and they had shot Matthew. It had been a life-changing event.
"How is Matthew?" I felt the need to ask. He was constantly on my mind, but hearing his voice had made it even harder to keep out of his life.
He pressed his lips together, like he didn't want to tell me. "He's angry like you knew he would be."
That piece of information did nothing to make me feel better. But had I expected anything else? No. He had every right to feel that way. If our roles were reversed I would have felt the same.
"He was having a meeting with my father."
I watched him closely but he gave nothing away.
"It's his responsibility to ensure we all do our jobs to keep you safe."
So that's what I was. It felt like I'd been slapped. A responsibility. I nodded as my throat tightened. "He should be recuperating."
Mark shrugged. "He knows his limits."
I put my hand to my forehead. Would it ever get any easier? I was struggling to move on from the shooting, and the guilt I felt at abandoning Matthew in the hospital only made me feel worse. It didn't matter that my reasons for doing so were to protect him.
"Has he asked about me?" I asked, even though I wasn't ready for the answer.
I had tried to keep him out of my life, and after the decision I had made I had no right to ask about him, but I couldn't help myself.
Mark shook his head.
I briefly closed my eyes as I felt a sharp pain in my chest. It was a familiar pain, one that reminded me how much I still loved and cared about him. Would the pain ever ease?
Was he so angry that he had cut me from his life without any problems, while I was suffering constantly? There had been a few times I had wavered in my decision and it had taken a glimpse at the memory of Matthew lying on the ground with a bullet wound to give me the strength to keep my distance.
"Courtney called again," Mark told me, changing the subject.
I didn't respond to that information. I had refused to take any of her calls.
"Shutting everyone out is not the solution."
I stood up.
"At the moment I'm a target and the people around me are in danger," I argued, feeling my rising anger at the situation I had been forced into by the actions of another. "Courtney was attacked!"
I paused when I felt my rising emotion. "And Matthew took a bullet meant for me."
He leaned against the doorway with his arms crossed, listening to me with a contemplative look.
"Don't tell me it isn't safer for them to be out of my life."
He pressed his lips together before pushing away from the doorway. "And what about you?" he asked.
"I'll manage." There was no other way. Putting the ones I loved in danger wasn't something I could live with.
What if Courtney had died instead of just being badly beaten? What if Matthew hadn't survived the shooting? So far I had been lucky that the ones I cared about had walked away with only injuries, and I knew I might not be lucky enough for that to happen again.
"You can't keep going the way you have," he said. "You're shutting everyone out."
I started to bite my nails. It was something I hadn't done in years, but the stress and emotions from the last few days were too much to handle.
"I'm scared," I finally admitted out loud. "There have been threats before, plenty. But this was the first time someone has actually tried to hurt me."
