Page 60 of Breaking Matt
That scared me even more. Matthew had survived this attempt, but what if he didn't survive the next one? And there was no doubt in my mind there would be a next one.
"He did his job today. If he hadn't, you would be the one in surgery or worse. Don't beat yourself up about it," he said. I knew he was trying to get me to realize it wasn't my fault and that it was part of the job Matthew was employed to do. But Matthew wasn't just a bodyguard employed to keep me safe; he was the guy I'd fallen head-over-heels for. I rubbed my forehead, trying to ease the barrage of thoughts that were hitting me.
"You'll feel better once you've seen him," Mark added. I didn't respond. I didn't think anything would ease the burden of Matthew being hurt because of me, even if it had been his job.
We waited another half an hour before we were allowed to see him.
"I'll wait outside for you," Mark said. He was giving me an opportunity to visit Matthew on my own. Feeling the way I was, it was probably best I did this alone.
Outside the door, I stopped for a moment. I took a deep breath and released it before I opened the door and stepped inside. The room was quiet except for the sound of a heart monitor.
Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw next. My heart stilled at the sight of Matthew lying asleep in the bed. I took another step into the room and closed the door behind me.
He looked so peaceful and fragile. It was so different from the way I always saw him. He was always strong and in control. I took another step toward him.
My eyes washed over him and I felt a lump in my throat as the first sting of tears hit me. The first tear slid down my face when I came to stand beside him. My eyes fixed on his handsome face. I lifted my hand and brushed my fingertips across his cheek. Another tear slid down my face as I leaned down and gently pressed a kiss to his cheek. I brushed the tears away before I took his hand into mine.
Memories of his face etched in pain as he held the wound, the blood pooling where he lay, filled my mind. My stomach clenched.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered to him, needing him to know I held myself responsible for what happened to him. I squeezed my eyes closed as the overwhelming feeling of guilt swept through me, shaking me down to my core. I held his limp hand in mine.
"I love you," I said to him softly, pressing a kiss to his hand. "I don't want to let you go, but I have to..."
Another bout of tears hit me.
"You are everything I want. I can't let anything happen to you."
I swallowed hard as my emotions bubbled to the surface. I breathed in deep and released the heavy breath.
"You're going to be angry..." I continued. "And you're going to be hurt."
I looked down at him for a few seconds.
"But I'm doing this because I can't lose you," I admitted softly.
I wanted to hold on to him and never let him go. I wanted so many more days with him. All the times I had woken up in the morning beside him and saw him smile had become the most precious memories I had. But there would be no more.
Our time had come to an end. My heart cried out for me to wait to walk away until he woke up, but I was scared that if I had to look into his beautiful green eyes I wouldn't be able to. To keep him safe, I couldn't allow him in my life in any capacity. He couldn't be the guy I loved and I couldn't allow him to be the bodyguard paid to protect me.
If I gave myself more time to contemplate my decision I would find some reasoning to back out of it. This was the best thing I could do for him. I loved him and had to let him go.
I kissed him one last time, this time on his mouth. I made myself take a step backward as I released his hand from mine.
It was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do. By the time I made it out of the room, a few tears had escaped down my face. Mark pushed off the wall across from me and walked toward me. I tried to push my emotions down so I could deal with them later in private, without prying eyes.
"He's going to be okay," Mark assured me when he took in my red puffy eyes. There was no mistaking how upset I was.
"I need to make a phone call," I said to him hoarsely. I took my phone out and walked a few feet away from him. He gave me space but watched me pace up and down the hallway as I dialed the number.
It rang once before my dad answered.
"Sarah," my dad said. I could hear the worry in his voice.
"I don't want Matthew as a bodyguard anymore," I instructed him with a calmness I didn't feel.
"He's injured but he should make a full recovery," my father began to explain. "I've already spoken to his doctors."
"I want you to replace him with someone else," I said with determination. I didn't want to have to explain to him why I was making the decision to cut Matthew from my life. No one needed to know why I was making the decision I was.
