Page 38 of Breaking Matt
"What does it matter?" I asked hoarsely, suddenly feeling tired from the emotional rollercoaster I was riding.
"It matters."
He moved closer and I looked up at him nervously. Before, it had been easier to care for him, but it was different now. I'd trusted him and he'd hurt me.
"So what do you want?" he asked. His eyes pierced me right down to my soul. I could lie but he would see through it. I didn't want to say the words out loud. I pressed my lips together, not wanting to admit it.
After a minute's silence I still refused to answer.
"If you can't tell me what you want I can't give it to you," he stated firmly and crossed his arms. He was being an asshole and I wanted to storm out of his room, but I couldn't ignore my feelings anymore.
Why did he want me to admit it out loud again? I already had.
"You know what I want," I said. I crossed my arms as I glared at him.
"I need to hear you say it," he said.
Annoyance and determination mixed together in my mind. I squared my shoulders and lifted my chin slightly. I wasn't one to back down and I wasn't going to start now.
"I want you," I ground out. There—I'd said it. He smiled and took a step closer to me.
"Just physically?" he asked. I felt my stubborn streak kick in, refusing to let me answer him.
"You want what we had before," he reminded me.
He was right. As much as I didn't want to admit it I did want what we'd shared.
"I want you," he admitted. I could see the emotion in his eyes. He closed the distance between us.
I looked up at him as his eyes searched mine. He hadn't touched me yet but I felt the chemistry between us make my heart quicken. He reached out and took my hand in his. His touch made my skin tingle and my stomach flutter.
"We have to build something new and the only way we can do that is if you can forgive me," he explained. I bit my lower lip as I contemplated what he said. There was still too much anger for me to simply say "You're forgiven" and mean it. It would take time to be able to truly move through it.
"Can you forgive me, Sarah?" he asked me softly. His eyes searched mine.
"I want to but I don't know if I can," I answered, trying to be as honest as possible.
"I'm sorry I hurt you," he said, pulling me closer so he could wrap his arms around me to hug me. I breathed him in as he hugged me tight. For a moment I allowed my walls to come down and to enjoy the reassurance his closeness gave me.
"I will never lie to you again," he assured me, pulling away slightly. I could see he meant what he said but the problem was that he'd hurt me already.
"It will take time," I said. I didn't want to spoil the moment we were having but I couldn't just lie and say everything would be okay; there was a chance that despite all our attempts we wouldn't be able to put ourselves back together.
"I can live with that," he said with a broadening smile. He hadn't looked this happy in a while, and it was strange that it made me happy.
He leaned closer and kissed me gently. I reached for the sides of his face, holding myself close so that I could control the kiss. Slowly he pulled away and leaned his forehead against mine.
"You put me through hell," he whispered. I got a glimpse of the havoc I'd caused in him over the last couple of days and I felt a bit guilty I'd caused his sadness. But then I remembered how he'd deceived me and it was difficult to stop myself from allowing the hurt to pull me away from him again.
"But we're still not square," I said, and he gave me a questioning look.
"What you did was horrible and you hurt me," I added softly.
"I never meant to deceive you the way I did. Circumstances made it inevitable. I'll make it up to you," he assured me.
"You'd better," I said, trying to lighten the heavy atmosphere. "You can start now."
He gave me a knowing smile. I felt the impact of it on me as I tingled under his gaze.
