Page 63 of Breaking Matt
"You still think this is for the best?" Mark asked from beside me when we got into the elevator.
My gaze fixed on Matthew's two sisters, who were watching from outside his hospital room. The doors to the elevator closed and I nodded, even though I could feel the sting of tears. This was going to hurt Matt, and that worried me more.
I knew it was going to be hard to turn my back on him and walk away, but it was so much worse than I'd ever imagined. Time seemed to slow down and every second felt like a minute.
Being back at the apartment was worse. Every room I stood in had memories of happier times when we'd been loved-up and happy. Earlier we had both been okay, and now we weren't. Now, without him, every happy memory was tainted with the blood he'd shed trying to save my life. I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to erase the memories pulling at my heartstrings.
I had to find a way to make it through this without him. I loved him enough to let him go and now I had to pick up the pieces to my life and try to carry on as normal, even though there was a threat of death that was even more prominent than it had been before. It would be so easy to hide away and let him scare me but I wasn't built like that. Backing down wasn't part of who I was. Even with the reality of my situation, I wasn't going to hide. I was going to carry on as normal.
I sat down in the living room and slumped backward on the sofa, looking at the ceiling and trying to organize my thoughts. The slight rustle of movement could be heard from Matthew's room. Mark had gone in there when we'd arrived. He was packing up Matthew's stuff.
Unable to keep my mind from moving back to thoughts of Matthew, I put the TV on. I had hoped it would distract me, but it didn't work. Nothing worked. No matter how much I didn't want to think about him, he was seared into my thoughts. There was no ignoring or forgetting.
Frustrated, I switched off the TV and stood up just as Mark exited Matthew's room with his bags packed.
"His sister insisted on coming to pick up his stuff," he informed me.
I was about to ask which one, but before I could, he answered.
"Tracy."
Great, I thought bitterly. It had to be the one with the death glare who would rather have seen me in the hospital bed rather than her brother.
I rubbed my forehead.
"Don't worry about her," he said quietly. "She's more bark than bite."
I didn't believe him. I was pretty sure she hated me and I couldn't really blame her. It was my fault her brother was in the hospital.
"I'm going to take a shower," I said.
He nodded as he set the bag next to the sofa. I went into my room and closed the door. For once, since the start of this whole ordeal, I was alone. One deep breath in and out, and then I walked into the shower and stripped my clothes from my body. I shoved them in the trash. There was no way I would ever be able to wear those clothes without being reminded of Matthew's blood pumping from the bullet wound that had been meant for me.
I got in the shower and opened the taps. The icy-cold water streamed over my body. I gasped as the water chilled me. It was like it was numbing me. It helped me to concentrate on the moment rather than the crazy thoughts in my mind.
Eventually the water warmed slightly, and I picked up some soap. I washed my whole body, and when I looked down I saw there was a slight pink tinge to the water as it ran from me. Blood. Matthew's blood.
I scrubbed my body harder, trying to remove the memories that came with the physical evidence, but no matter how hard I washed, it couldn't wash away what had happened. My skin was raw as I got out the shower and dried off. I got dressed quickly.
There was something else nagging at me and I wanted to ask Mark about it. I found him by the window looking out to the street below.
"Is there someone watching Matthew?" I asked.
Mark stood still, but his head turned slightly and his eyes met mine.
"Yes. I have one of my best guys posted outside his room."
That made me feel better.
"Thanks."
I don't know why I felt the need to thank him but it made me feel better he had one of his best bodyguards watching over Matt until he recovered.
"I'm not doing it just for you," he explained. "He's my friend and I don't want anything to happen to him either."
I nodded my head. I understood.
"I've organized a couple more bodyguards to watch you from a distance so that they won't be detected," he informed me.
