Page 52 of Rock Star

The tears spilled down my face… I couldn’t hold them in any longer. I’d been determined not to break down in front of her this past month, sobbing into my pillow at night so no one would hear me, but now the floodgates had opened and I wailed, “I fell in love with Axel Wainwright.”

A frown creased her forehead. “Why are you crying? Doesn’t he love you back?”

“He says that he does. But he did something bad at the end of the tour,” I choked on a sob.

Her expression turned steely, reminding me of how she used to look before the cancer… there was fire in her eyes. “What did he do?”

And so, my voice trembling, I told her. Told her about Ella. Told her about him falling off the wagon in Glastonbury. “He said he wouldn’t go down that road again, and I believed him. Then he destroyed what we had, threw it away like it meant nothing.”

She pursed her lips. “At least he didn’t go off with another woman…”

“Yeah, there is that,” I sighed. “Although I wouldn’t be surprised if he went back to his MO now that I’m not with him.”

“Sounds like you don’t trust him.” Mom narrowed her eyes.

“He burned me to ashes. I was stupid to get involved with him.” I wiped the tears from my face with my hands. “I should’ve focused on my career…”

Mom got out of her chair, went to the sink and wet a cloth. She handed it to me. “Press that to your eyes, sweetie. I hate to see you cry.”

I did as she’d asked. “I’m good,” I released a breath. “I’m dreading seeing him at the studio next week, though.”

Dreading being pulled back into his orbit.

“Has he been in touch?”

“Oh, yes. Constant voice mails as I won’t take his calls.”

Begging me to pick up.

“Sounds like he cares about you.” She gave my fingers another squeeze.

I let out a bitter laugh. “If that’s the case, he has a weird way of showing it.”

“Maybe you should give him another chance?”

I leaned away from her, shocked. “You want me to be with a cokehead?”

“He went off the rails, once, Phoenix,” she said calmly. “If he’s serious about you it won’t happen again. You should let him prove his love….”

“Why?” I snapped.

She glanced away from me, then held me with her eyes. “There’s something I’ve never told you before, but I think the time is right.” She paused, breathed deeply. “A few years ago, when you were in high school, I had an affair.”

Shockwaves reverberated through me. “Oh, my God, Mom…”

“It was a mistake.” A sigh caught in her throat. “I met up with an ex who’d just gotten divorced. Your dad was working a lot, doing overtime at Boeing. That wasn’t an excuse, but I was feeling ignored. Dad found out about it and was so cut up. It tore my heart. We worked through some issues and he forgave me.” She wrapped her arms around her stomach. “I broke his trust, but he still forgave me. At the end of the day, if you truly love someone you will put them first.”

“It’s not the same, Mom,” I groaned. “I mean cheating and taking drugs are totally different…”

She shook her head. “People fuck up. For so many reasons…”

It was the first time Mom had used the f-word in my presence. She’d shocked me. I started clearing the breakfast table and took the plates to wash them. “Let’s get ready to go to the hospital,” I said, deciding not to pursue this conversation any further. “It’s my turn to take you there today.”

“Thanks, honey.” She stood and came up to me, holding out her arms.

I hugged her, breathing in her floral scent. “I love you, Mom…”I was helping Dad make dinner while Mom was resting after we’d gotten home. The doctor had said her blood counts were looking good, and he was happy with her recovery progress. He also said she only needed to go into the hospital Monday, Wednesday and Thursday for her labs.

“I went to see if Boeing were hiring.” Dad blew out a breath. “But they don’t have any part-time positions available. Also, I’m a little long in the tooth…”

I gave him a hug. “That sucks.”

“Don’t know what we’d do without you, Phoenix.” He sent me such a forlorn look it tore at my heart.

“You raised me.” I stroked his arm. “How could I forget the sacrifices you made? The music lessons and voice coaching? I’m sure as soon as Mom is in remission, you’ll find something permanent…”

“I hope so.” He drained pasta into a bowl, then added the bolognaise sauce which had been simmering on the stove.

I tossed a mixed salad and we set the food down on the table. “I’ll go get Mom.”

Except, she’d already come to the kitchen door. “I’m hungry.” She laughed and the sound was amazing. It had been so long since I’d heard it. “I can’t believe I’m actually hungry…”

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