Page 84 of Surviving Slater
"I'm here. And I want to know."
I walked to the bed and sat down again. I inhaled and exhaled an emotional breath before I started. He was here, ready to listen. Now it was my turn to reach inside and find the strength to finally release my secret out into the open.
I looked down at my hands as I decided how I should start. The bed shifted as Slater sat down beside me.
"My mom called me a couple of days ago to tell me my uncle, her younger brother, died in a tragic accident." I looked up at him. "I should have felt grief, I should have been upset, but all I felt was…relief."
Slater frowned.
"It's hard to remember when it started. I blocked it out totally." I reached up and touched my temple, trying to arrange my thoughts. "It was only when I had sex for the first time, when I was sixteen, that I started to remember. At first I thought they were just nightmares. But when I remembered more, I realized they were memories that I had somehow…suppressed."
His hand touched mine, and I looked down at long fingers covering my hand. As I gave him a side-glance, I caught him closing his eyes briefly as his jaw tensed. Was it difficult for him to hear it?
"It was so bad my mind blocked it out so I could cope." I hesitated, needing fresh courage to continue. I wanted to be able to tell him everything even if it changed the way he saw me.
"How old were you when it started?" he asked. His voice was tight, his eyes tormented.
I shrugged. "Like I said, it was hard to remember exactly, but I think I was around ten. He lived with us for a year. He used to come to my room late at night."
"You were just a child," he said, looking horrified.
I didn't understand it either. And worse, it was a family member, someone who was supposed to care about me.
"Phillip." It was strange to say his name. "He was a very late baby, he was only six years older than me. I tried to make excuses for him. Like, maybe he didn't really understand that what he was doing was wrong."
Slater shook his head beside me, and I stopped.
"He knew it was wrong. It didn't matter how much older he was, he would have known it was wrong," he assured me. "There is no excuse for what he did to you."
I swallowed hard when I felt my rising emotions. I hated thinking back to it. Remembering it made me feel dirty and tainted. Like no matter what happened I would never be clean again.
"It started out innocently. I didn't understand." I put my head into my hands, feeling embarrassed about what had happened. It didn't matter that I had done nothing wrong. Even when I realized it was wrong I didn't say anything. It would have hurt the people who loved me.
"You don't have to hide from me," Slater said, pulling my hands away from my face, and my eyes met his.
He was seeing me for the first time—warts and all, no hidden truths, laid out bare for him to judge.
I couldn't stand the look of sympathy in his eyes. I closed my eyes briefly, feeling the shame wash over me. It was a familiar feeling and no matter what, I would always feel like that.
"You hear of girls being abused," I said. "They report their attackers so they can be brought to justice. But until you walk that path you don't understand how hard it is." I took a deep breath and expelled it, trying to stop myself from crying before I could say what I needed to. "They are the brave ones. There is no guarantee that they are going to put their attackers behind bars, but they still try. To put your most vulnerable self out in the open for everyone to see takes guts."
It took a few moments before I could say more. Talking about it was painful, like a knife twisting in my gut.
"Do you know how hard it is to reveal to people things like that?" I continued. "Could you imagine having to tell strangers what happened to you? Every time someone looks at you, you will wonder if they are thinking about it, judging you. 'Did she ask for it?' Had she been irresponsible?"
I closed my eyes briefly as the horror overtook me. When I opened them I dropped my gaze to my hands, unable to look him in the eye when I admitted the next part.
"I'm not them. I don't want people to know. It was bad enough that it happened but I don't want it out in the open. No matter what the evidence is, people would judge."
A tear escaped and I wiped it away as I took in a trembling breath. One of his hands covered mine and I felt the warmth of his skin enclose me.
"If I had said anything it would have torn my family apart. I was ten. At the time I didn't even understand what was happening. I didn't know it was wrong until it was too late. And even if I had, it would have been my word against his. Who would have believed a ten-year-old? Initially I didn't even know what was happening was wrong. I trusted…him."
Was it worse being abused by someone you knew rather than a complete stranger? I looked up at him as my eyes glistened with more tears.
"I just wanted it to go away."
His other hand reached up to caress my cheek gently. His eyes softened, looking more silver as he studied me.
