Page 35 of Surviving Slater
This was a physical act to him to relieve some sexual tension. But for me, having to fight so hard to keep my emotions out of this, I was feeling that no matter how hard I tried there would be no way to survive him.
Already my instinct screamed for me to stop this dangerous path I was on. I felt like a train hurtling toward an unmovable object, about to crash and unable to stop it from happening.
At a loss for words, I remained quiet. He gave me one last look.
"Call me when you're prepared to do this the adult way."
He left before I could say anything.
Well, that hadn't ended the way I had expected. Granted he had left, but I hadn't expected him to get angry with me because I didn't want to tell our friends what we were doing.
I extended my hand and rested it in the space he'd just moments ago occupied. There was still some warmth from his body on the thin fabric.
Even I knew he was different from any other guy I had slept with. With the others, I'd been able to keep an emotional distance that didn't seem possible with Slater. When I thought about the closeness we had just shared, I clutched the sheet. I could still feel his touch on my skin.
As the sheet cooled, losing the reminder of his presence, I released the fabric and leaned against the headboard. He was right. We were both old enough to make our own decisions, so why was I so hesitant to tell my friends I was going to have meaningless sex with Slater?
Then I realized why. It felt like I was standing in quicksand with only my foot submerged and slowly sinking. If I moved now I would avoid getting sucked in further. The truth was I didn't want to move, and if Taylor or Matthew found out they would try to talk me out of this. I was afraid they would succeed.
Whatever this was with Slater, I had to see it through even if it scared me. I had already tried resisting and it hadn't worked. I lifted my fingertips to my mouth. I could still feel his lips against mine, his hands on my body taking me closer to the release we'd just shared. My stomach fluttered at the memory.
Sex with Slater was beyond anything I had experienced before, which made him even more dangerous.
Even my ability to drift into my safe place when our physical closeness had become too intense had not protected me fully. Trying to distance myself from the intimacy of sharing my body with another, I'd used the familiar coping mechanism to deal with it. Before, it had worked well, but something had been touched by Slater that no one had before.
Had I blown it already with him? We'd just begun and I didn't want to stop. But how did I go about fixing it? Walking away wasn't an option for me. Physically I wanted more. One night was never going to be enough with Slater.I knew the risks and it could be the biggest mistake I ever made.
Telling my friends would be hard and I would have to deal with the lectures.I could just picture Matthew with a disapproving look, listing all of the reasons to steer clear of Slater—and there would be plenty. And the fact he'd rejected and hurt me once before would be a taste of what lay ahead.
Taylor would probably be more diplomatic with her approach. She cared for Slater and she had seen a side to him that most didn't see, but that wouldn't be enough for her to give her blessing.
But like Slater had reminded me, I didn't need anyone's permission. We were the only ones who needed to decide if we wanted this.
Slater wanted this. And, God help me, so did I.
I didn't want to waste any time so I sat Taylor down the next day.
"What do you want to talk about?" she asked with curiosity.
"It's Slater," I admitted.
She frowned at me.
"I know what you're going to say but I know exactly what I'm getting myself into."
"Do you really?" she asked me, looking doubtful.
"Yes." I nodded. I wasn't looking for anything more than sex with Slater. He had already told me he was incapable of giving me any more than that. "It's not dating or a relationship."
Having this conversation with Taylor felt weird. Not so long ago, she'd been in my shoes, determined to keep what was going on with Sin just a purely physical thing. But they were different. They weren't Slater and me. There would be no happy ending for us. It would just be amazing sex.
"If this was anyone but Slater I would say go for it, but I've seen him hurt you before."
"I know, but this time it's different. This time we know it's just sex."
She gave a hollow laugh. "You know what happened when Sin and I tried that?"
I smiled. "Yeah, I know." I tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear.
