Page 121 of Surviving Slater
I was still feeling raw and emotional. His words were beautiful and what I needed to hear.
"You know what an emotional basket case I am and you're still willing to stick it out?"
He chuckled. "I'll have you any way I can."
I stared at him, not sure what to say. He was saying all the right things and I couldn't find fault in any of it.
"You have nothing in your past that you should feel ashamed of," he said. "Unlike me. Not even taking Shannon into account, I've done some pretty questionable things, so if anyone should be worried it should be me."
I smiled, a real smile that lifted my heart.
"This thing with you," I said, feeling so open and vulnerable, "I want it so badly."
His hand found mine again.
"But what if we don't make it? What if our feelings aren't enough to make this work?"
"I have to admit I haven't had the best role models when it comes to happy, healthy relationships, and I can't guarantee what the future holds, but I can't—won't—walk away," he said with such conviction that it made me sway toward him, like a moth to a flame, despite the danger.
"You know how I feel about you," I said, swallowing to ease the dryness in my throat. He nodded.
"After everything that has happened to me, I never thought I could trust anyone long enough to develop feelings for them." I paused for a moment before I continued. "But you were different." It was the only way to describe it. I couldn't put my finger on exactly why. "It's like…when you look at me…you see more than anyone does." I shrugged my shoulders, trying to shake off some of my building emotion.
He watched me, keeping silent so I could say what I needed to.
"I watched my mother fall in love and get crushed when it didn't work out. I saw the repercussions of loving someone. Every time I watched it happen there was a part of my mother that never fully recovered from it. Like a piece of her went missing every time. But that didn't stop her from doing it again and again. I couldn't understand why someone would do that to themselves. It made no sense."
My eyes held his. "Now I understand." His hand tightened over mine. "All logical reasoning tells me to say no and walk away," I said. It was hard to read what he was thinking. Did he think I was going to make the decision to let him go? "But my heart wants you."
He kissed me. I gripped his face with my hands as his tongue explored my mouth. When he pulled away, I felt breathless.
"But what about my baggage?" I asked, knowing I still had a long road to make peace with what happened to me, or at least get to a stage when someone calling me 'baby' wouldn't set me off on a meltdown.
"We are all damaged in some way," he said. "I have a sister who wants nothing to do with me. She blames me for what happened."
I felt the pain that crossed his face. He was letting me in and sharing his pain.
"Give her time and she'll come around," I assured him, needing him to know that there was still hope.
"That's what Connor said." He didn't sound convinced. He looked at me like the six-year-old-boy who had thought he had done the right thing.
"You have no idea how things would have turned out if you hadn't told your teacher about the abuse," I said. "It could have turned out a lot worse."
"I want to believe that," he admitted. I hugged him. His arms wrapped around me, holding me tighter. I hated seeing him like this,
For a few minutes we said nothing, just embracing each other.
"You calm the storm inside of me," he said, and the words inflated my heart. I swallowed, tightening my hold on him. "When my mind's working overtime and I can't make it stop, just being with you eases it. I can't explain it."
"I feel safe with you," I told him. "It's something I can't explain either."
He gently brushed his lips against my forehead.
The battle inside me was over. I didn't know if I had ever had the capacity to walk away.
"I can't leave you," I said, pulling away to lift my eyes to his.
"Me either."
