Page 100 of Surviving Slater
I swallowed.
"The thing is…I love you," I blurted out. His eyes widened slightly, and I looked at him, hopeful he wasn't going to make a dash out of the room.
"Really?" he asked, sounding surprised. It wasn't exactly the response I had dreamed of but he hadn't started running yet. That was something, at least.
I nodded.
He took a step back and I felt the first punch of rejection. It was harder to breathe as I tried to recover. I was right, he wasn't ready for what I had just told him.
"I know we haven't been together for long but I can't help how I feel about you," I said. He looked at me, still seeming a little dazed at my revelation.
One second of silence became two and time stretched on. I shifted slightly, waiting for him to respond in some way to what I had told him.
He raked a hand through his hair. In love stories, the guy would profess his undying love, but instead mine looked like he was struggling with what I had said.
"I care about you," he said, and I felt my world shift beneath me, leaving me unsteady on my feet. "More than I have for any girl."
But it wouldn't be enough.
My throat thickened with emotion but I refused to give in and allow myself to reveal how hurt I felt.
"But this is too much." And the reality was, the guy I loved wasn't ready.
"I need space," he said before grabbing his jacket and leaving me standing there, vulnerable, unsure and hurt in the living room of my apartment.
The door slammed shut, echoing through the room. Dazed as the pain struck, I slumped down onto the sofa, finally giving in to my heartache. I stared off into the distance feeling like I was numb despite the fact that I was silently crying.
I had truly believed that it would be finding out I had Connor check into his past that would be the thing that broke us apart—not me telling him how I felt about him.
It hurt that I wasn't enough for him to at least try. It wasn't like I needed him to say the words back to me. I knew he cared about me and he showed me that every day.
All I had needed was for him to stay.
For two daysI lived in my bubble of heartbreak without a single word from Slater. I didn't contact him. I honestly didn't know what to say.
I was sure there wasn't a standard message to send to the guy who had run at the first sign I had strong feelings for him. Maybe if I had said anything other than "love" it would have been okay. But what was done was done and there was no way to take it back.
My only consolation was I had been honest with myself, but it didn't ease the pain or make me feel any better.
Slater was emotionally scarred and maybe he would never be ready to love someone or handle being loved. It was hard to digest but I had to. I couldn't make him love me.
It hurt. Like a knife that sliced my heart in two. It was a constant pain that didn't ease no matter what I did. I didn't have an appetite and I couldn't eat. Sleeping was out of the question too.
The couple of times I had dozed off I had awoken a couple of hours later drenched in sweat, fearful. My agony relayed in my nightmares, so vividly it had felt like I was being rejected over and over again. I couldn't take it anymore.
I was thankful Levi was away and I didn't have to hide in my room or pretend everything was okay when I felt like my life was falling apart.
On Sunday, I stood by the window looking at the view. The wind blew the trees. It was surreal and reminded me, despite the pain I felt, life went on. It didn't stand still because my heart had been broken. The sadness I felt was slowly replaced by a resignation that whatever I had shared with Slater was finished.
I accepted that I had tried but we both had to be ready for this relationship to work. While I had been in the right place, Slater obviously hadn't.
He had been there for me when I had needed someone. He had listened when I had needed to finally share my secret. I had no idea if I would have coped without him, and I was grateful. I didn't want to believe he hadn't served some sort of purpose in my life.
Every time I closed my eyes I heard his words vibrate through me."I need space."I was going to give him what he wanted. I was going to let him go.
Two days later, Connor called me with the confirmation that, despite her attempt to dissuade us, Riley Evans was Shannon Graves, Slater's biological sister.
I was a coward. I hugged the covers tighter, refusing to face the outside world. Instead of doing the right thing and telling Slater about his sister, I had left without a word to hide out by my mom.
