Page 44 of Learning to Love

"Whoaaaa.” Johny wiggles his eyebrows. “Loving this. What's he hiding?" Jonny is having a whale of a time, and everyone at the table is staring at me.

I hate it. "That was below the belt, Corey." The last thing I want is to talk about Ellie. The thought of her torments me enough every night and every waking moment, thank you very much. I don’t need Corey’s help to feel shite.

I gain two more victory points plus a bonus and win the game in just under two hours. Everyone else is deflated.

Corey's got more up his sleeve. "To answer your earlier question, Phil, I think we're all here to run away or hide from something." I don't even have to look up to know his gaze is fixed on me. "Maybe a broken heart … maybe money … maybe just restlessness … maybe just the desire to win … But at the end of the day, if your heart's not in it, then you shouldn't do it."

I can't look him in the eye. I just can't. It's all too raw.

But Corey won’t let me run. "Look at me, Sam. Just look at me. I'll tell you two things, just two, then you can tell me to go to hell."

I look at him. He's the same old Corey, my sailing partner since we were sixteen and eighteen, respectively. In my mind's eye, he hasn't aged that much since we were teens, though we're now in our 30s. Maybe more wrinkles, more gray hairs, and a heck of a lot more experience.

Everyone else is silent, probably wondering what this is all about. Florian is drinking a third coffee already.

Corey puts up a single finger, holds it high. "First thing. You win this race. And then? What's the point of winning this race? And the next one? And the one after that? What's the point of winning any of them, if you've lost the most important thing, the love of your life?"

I feel like leaving. It’s just too much. I can't bear it. My knuckles are white and my fingernails slice into my palms.

Corey adds a second finget to his first. "And second, and last thing, this thing you've been looking for may be at home in New Zealand …"

Phil wipes a tear from the corner of his eye. Cam clears their throat, and Jonny's smile has disappeared.

Corey’s on a roll. "Now you can tell me to go to hell, but I've been wanting to tell you this for the past two weeks because you're miserable. I've known you for fifteen years, and I've never seen you this unhappy." Corey's talking so fast now, I can't keep up.

My voice is too quiet. "I don't know what to do. I've never done it before."

Florian's voice rings out clearly. "You need to go back to New Zealand and abandon the race."

He says it like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Abandon the race. Go home. And my heart seems to agree. At the end of it all, I’d rather win Ellie than a race. “Alright.”

***

Ellie

It's been two weeks since Sam came to our house, and stood outside without coming in, before leaving for Europe the next day. I still have nightmares about it from time to time, his face full of sorrow as he drove away.

I'm still at Tayla's house, in the spare room, after Corinne took my old room. I haven't found a place that's as nice as this one, and I enjoy the company of friends.

Tayla and Corinne keep me sane and grounded. Whenever I start crying, reminiscing about Sam and I, they distract me without trying to push me to date someone else.

Today's an ordinary Thursday, and after coming in from work, I change into leggings and a t-shirt, and take Daisy out for a walk. Daisy motors on with her chunky legs every time I throw the ball and dutifully brings it back. After a solid hour of time together, I go back, and prepare to make dinner for all of us, as it's my turn to cook.

Before they come home, I turn the TV on, a little bit of background noise to keep me company while I'm cooking. I prepare to roast the fish, and my heart skips a beat. There are images of Sam and Corey on TV. My first instinct is to turn it off. Seeing him brings me so much fresh pain, but it seems I’m a sucker for pain so I turn the volume up.

"Sam Northcroft, the famed Kiwi Sailing champion and Olympian, is pulling out of the Round the World Ocean Race for personal reasons. Fellow sailors Corey Fine and Florian Mittel are still in the competition. Northcroft's replacement will be announced soon."

I droop onto the sofa just as Tayla and Corinne enter the house. They see my stricken expression and immediately rally around me.

Tayla leans and touches my shoulder. "What's wrong? Has something happened?"

A twist in my gut. Fear. Relief. Apprehension. Doubt. Love. "I don't know." I burst into tears. "He's coming back."

Chapter 19

Sam

I’d forgotten it only takes fifteen minutes to drive from my house to Ellie’s. In my mind the Harbor Bridge that separates our places is an uncrossable gulf, impossible to overcome. Fifteen minutes, three songs on the radio, or a short sailing regatta.

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