Page 42 of Learning to Love

"A black tea, no sugar, please." Florian's order is just the icing on the cake.

"Oh, for fuck's sake." I put my headphones on and try to rest, listening to music and ignoring Corey. I can't sleep a wink. Every fucking song makes me think about Ellie. The flight attendant comes back with the whisky glass and some morning tea for us—cheese scones, pastries, dainty sandwiches.

Florian hoovers up the food. "I was starving. Should have had some breakfast back in the lounge." He eyes my plate now.

I pass it to him. At least someone can enjoy it.

Corey's dark gaze fixes on me. "So whose idea was it … the break-up?"

I shake my head in disbelief. "You're not going to let this slide, are you? Why do you even care? Seriously. You weren't even a fan of our relationship. I distinctly recall you badgering me about it making me a worse sailor. Ellie and Tayla being gold diggers. You spout that shit for quite some time." I take a sip of whisky, and it burns my throat. This is a bad idea, and I'll probably pay for it later. But for now, it dulls the ache. I take another sip.

Corey looks into the distance, his thoughts far away. "Let's say I've changed my mind."

"I'm … I don't know what to say, Corey. I genuinely don't know what to say." Corey and I have been sailing together for over fifteen years. Within that time, he's never changed his mind about anything. Whatever persuaded him, it must be powerful.

"Sam …” Florian's voice lifts, subdued, from behind us. “I have a question."

"Not you too, please. Ellie and I have broken up, and that's the end of it." Only sixteen hours left to go, and these two are driving me insane. How many whiskies can I drink in sixteen hours without going into a coma?

"Nah, wasn't going to ask about that. Something else … More personal." Florian's voice is even quieter.

I sigh. "Okay. Ask away. Seems like I won't be able to sleep on this flight with you two nattering away."

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to know … what is it like to make love with someone you're in love with?"

Out of all the questions he could have asked at that particular time I wasn't expecting that one. He could have asked me whether I think there are aliens on Mars, and I wouldn't have found it as strange. Or if Captain Nemo's Nautilus really existed. Or of the Auckland house prices are going up again. Or what shoe size my mother wears.

Corey and I turn to face him at the same time. Corey looks quite comical with a half-eaten pastry lifted halfway to his mouth, and I probably look like a deer caught in headlights.

"Uhhhh … Like … ummm …" I'm lost for words, holding onto my whisky glass for dear life.

"Like how does it feel? Does it feel different than with someone you don't love?" Florian's words make sense, but they also don't make sense. How can it be? Have I had too much whisky on an empty stomach? But I've had breakfast. Maybe I should lie down and try to sleep a bit. It might clear my head.

"Aaaah …" I rub my head and cover my face with my hands. "I really want to know why you're asking me this, but I have a feeling you won't tell me."

Florian nods sadly.

"Uhh … it's different. Very different." I try to find words to describe what Ellie and I shared, and there's nothing that comes to mind to do it justice. But I try. "You want to make the one you love happy and content. You want them to want you just as much as you want them. It's not just about the sex. It's also about companionship … being there in the moment, but also with the future in mind." I must look as miserable as I feel as I turn back around because Corey puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Thank you." Florian's faint voice snaps me out of my own misery. What is he going through that he doesn't want to share? Who is he leaving behind to go away for a whole year?

Corey faces forward in his seat. “You know … when we're back, you could try and beg Ellie to take you back."

I shake my head, take one look out the window, put my earphones back on, and try to sleep again. But I can’t. No peace for the brokenhearted, I guess. Is this what it’s going to be like for the next year? No sleep and a broken heart won’t keep us alive on the ocean. I have to get over this, and fast. Why the hell am I doing this if I’m going to be miserable the whole time? If I’m going to do it—and I am—I have to be committed. It’s the adventure of a lifetime! Am I going to let a lost relationship keep me from giving it my all?

Maybe.

No. No. I’m ready for this adventure, whatever it brings. Because if I’m not, my friends could die.

Chapter 18

Sam

It's been two weeks since we've arrived in Spain and four weeks since Ellie and I broke up. The emptiness I feel inside hasn't subsided at all, and I still think about her, and what could have been, all the time.

Our Round the World Ocean Race team is called Llorca, after a famous Andalusian poet, and we're all staying at a large hotel in touristy Marbella. Corey, Florian, and I take all available free moments to explore the local area, either by foot, or hiring a car and taking turns to drive.

I soak up the atmosphere in Marbella Old Town, with its quaint squares and tiny bodeguitas offering the most delicious fresh orange juice I've ever had.

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