Page 39 of Learning to Love

Tayla soothes my worries in one go. "Absolutely, as long as you need. Forever. Men are shite. The lot of them." I wonder what happened to make her particularly annoyed this evening.

"Corey and Florian are going as well," I say, studying her reaction.

She pins me with her blue eyes and shakes her pink hair. "Of course, they are. They're all as stupid as each other."

I put my plate and cup down on the coffee table and curl up in a fetal position on the sofa. After these few months with Sam, I’m exhausted. It’s been like surfing on waves that are too big for my level of skill. I’ve fallen one too many times. I drift off to sleep on the sofa with Tayla and Corinne’s concerned whispers in the background. The ocean waits for me in disturbed dreams. I’m drowning, and Sam drifts away from me.

I settle backinto my old routine. Daycare with the kids every day, walking Daisy twice a day, and spending time with Tayla and Corinne in the evenings. They work hard to distract me, and change channels on TV every time there’s any mention of the New Zealand team, sailing, or Sam himself.

Nobody asks me anything about Sam at daycare. Even my parents don’t mention him. I’m starting to think it was all a dream.

Did wereallydate for several months? Did I meet his parents? Did we move in together? It all seems baffling to me. The only thing that’s a constant reminder of him is this dull heartache, that I can’t shake off.

Sam’s on a crash collision course. He wants to overcome every single thing just to win, to compensate for the loss of Thea. His medal wall, his determination, all make sense. The heartbreak does not.

Corinne keeps assuring me time will heal all wounds, but it’s hard not to think about him every day. On my commute to daycare, I allow myself to think about him, about what he could be doing at this time. Is he training? Is he running? Is he thinking about me at all?

***

Sam

Itry not to think of Ellie when I have breakfast alone every day. I also try not to think about her when I work out at the gym like a maniac for three hours at least each day. I try not to think about her when I shower. I don’t think about her when I fall asleep. I most certainly don’t drive past the daycare she works at in Takapuna.But then again, I’m a terrible liar.

We trained for a couple of weeks, and I put my head down. After each session, I left, not hanging around with the other guys. They didn’t say anything, likely thinking I was rushing to get back to Ellie, which isn’t that far from the truth.

We had a one-week break from training, and I thought about visiting my family, but I didn’t. If I went by myself, they’d ask uncomfortable questions, and I’m not ready to go there yet. I spent my week studiously avoiding Corey and the other boys, reading, watching every travel documentary Netflix has to offer, and waiting for departure day.

In a cruel twist of fate, I’d chosen to leave on February fourteenth, Valentine’s Day of all days. Since Corey and Florian are both single, they didn’t care too much. I suppose nowI’msingle too.

I sigh deeply as I put on the New Zealand team kit and prepare for a media appearance with Corey. I’ve shaved, but I have huge dark circles under my eyes. It’s an outdoor event, so I don’t think they’ll provide any make-up. I look in the mirror. What you see is what you get today, guys.

I arrive late, so out of character for me.

Corey’s annoyed. “Bro, it’s just not done, keeping everyone waiting. What were you up to, that you couldn’t make it on time?”

“Nothing, bro. Good to see you. Don’t see you much these days.”

Corey doesn’t reply.

We step out in front of the media in our team outfits and are surprised. It’s not the usual questions. We’re awarded the Corral Cup, an important prize in sailing. Our names will be engraved for eternity onto the side of the silver cup, and the only thing I can think about is whether Ellie is watching on TV. Cameras flash repeatedly, and the film roles never stop.

Corey steps up the mic with a twinkle in his eye and hand placed humbly on his heart. “We’re very proud to have achieved this for New Zealand. This is for every child who is thinking about taking up sailing. The ocean's the limit. We thank each and everyone of you for making this possible.” Corey, as always, charms the audience.

A reporter reaches a hand up, speaks loudest. “Sam, talk to us. What does this mean to you?”

Oh heck. The journalist caught me off-guard. “It was unexpected, but we’re very appreciative.”

Cameras flash again. They’re giving me a headache.

Another reporter leans forward. “Corey, what are you most excited about: the Sanders Cup, the Olympics, or the Round the World Ocean Race?”

That hits a bit too close to home.

Corey crosses his arms and smiles. “Ah, they’re all great challenges, requiring different skills, and we’re fortunate to be able to participate in all of them, and expand our skillset. We’re proud to be representing New Zealand on all counts.”

Like a dog with a bone, they’re not letting up. “Sam, tomorrow you’re heading off with Corey and Florian Mittel on the Round the World Ocean race for over a year. It’s Valentine’s Day. How does your girlfriend feel about it?”

I’ve never been violent in my life, but I could strangle the guy and feed him to seagulls. Corey looks at me intently. I muster some form of self restraint, thinking I need to go to the gym or run a heck of a distance later to burn off some of this anger.

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