Page 147 of Now and Forever

“You can too. I hope you play a lot.”

“Don’t doubt that I will,” he says with a cold smile.

We stare at each other. When I can’t take it anymore, I leave the room without saying goodbye. I can’t. The words won’t leave my mouth. I walk down the stairs at full speed and go to my room. I close the door, and then and only then do I let myself curse.

That night, after everything’s packed, I tell Simona a truck will come at six o’clock in the morning to take it all to the airport. Twenty boxes came from Madrid. Twenty will go back. I sadly pick up an envelope to do the last thing I have to do in this house. I writeEricin ink in the middle of the envelope. Then I take a piece of paper, and, after thinking about what to say, I simply write:Goodbye and take care of yourself. Better to keep it impersonal.

When I put down the pen, my hand’s trembling. I take off the precious ring I already gave back to him once, and, shaking, I read what he had engraved on the inside: “Tell me what you want, now and forever.”

I close my eyes.

The “now and forever” was not to be.

I squeeze the ring in my hand, and, finally, with my heart split in two, I place it in the envelope. My phone rings. It’s Sonia. She’s worried, waiting for me at her house. I’ll sleep there on my last night in Munich. I don’t want to sleep under the same roof as Eric. When I pull my bike from the garage, Norbert and Simona come to say goodbye. With an awkward smile, I hug them both and give Simona the envelope with the ring so she can give it to Eric. She sobs, and Norbert tries to console her. They’ve grown as fond of me as I have of them.

“Simona,” I try to joke, “in a few days I’ll call you, and you can tell me howEmerald Madnessis going, OK?”

She nods and tries to smile, but she just cries even more. I give her a final kiss and get ready to go, when I raise my eyes and see Eric watching us from the bedroom window. I look up at him. He looks at me. God ... I love him so much. I raise my hand and wave goodbye. He does the same. Seconds later, with the coldness he’s taught me, I turn around, jump on the bike, and leave without looking back.

I don’t sleep that night. I just look into the emptiness and wait for the alarm clock to go off.

39

When I get to Madrid, nobody knows about my arrival. I haven’t called anyone. I hire a van at the airport and pack all my boxes in it. When I get out of the Metro, I try to smile. I’m back in Madrid!

I turn on the radio; I try to sing along, but I’m too exhausted. When I get to my neighborhood, I feel a brief burst of happiness, but, later, when I have to deal with the twenty boxes all by myself, my happiness turns to bitchiness. Did I pack rocks in them?

Once I’m done, I close the door to my apartment and sit on the sofa. I pick up the phone to call my sister, but then I hang up. I don’t feel like giving her any explanations yet, and my sister will be a tough customer. I plug in the refrigerator and walk down to buy some food at the Mercadona. When I get back and put away my purchases, the loneliness starts eating me up.

I have to call my sister and my father.

I decide to start with my sister, and, as expected, ten minutes after I hang up, she’s at the door. When she comes in using her key, I’m sitting on the sofa.

“What happened, darling?”

Seeing my sister, her pregnancy, and the look in her eyes pushes me over the edge, and when she hugs me, I cry, cry, and cry. She rocks me and tells me again and again not to worry about a thing, that whatever I do, I’ll be all right.

“Where’s Luz?” I ask after I finally calm down.

“At her friend’s house. I haven’t told her you’re here or, you know ...”

That makes me smile.

“Don’t tell her anything. I want to go to Jerez to see Papá tomorrow. When I get back, I’ll visit, OK?”

“OK.”

I rub my hand gingerly over her swollen belly.

“Jesús and I are separating,” she blurts out of nowhere.

Did I hear her right? With a coldness I didn’t know my sister could muster, she explains it all to me. “I told Papá and Eric not to tell you so as not to worry you. But now that you’re here, I think you need to know.”

“Eric?”

“Yes, babe ... and ...”

“Eric knew?” I shout, losing my mind.

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