Page 139 of Tell Me What You Want

“What? About Betta? Or Flyn? Or my eye disease?”

“Your disease, your condition.”

“Jude, it’s not something I want people to know.”

“But I’m not people ...”

“I know, love, but ...”

“That’s why you always want me to look at you when we ...”

Eric nods.

“I want to imprint your face, your expressions, on my retina, so I’ll remember them the day I can’t see.”

The look of pain on his face is unbearable. What am I doing? I sit next to him and take his hands again.

“You stubborn jerk, how could you keep this from me? I’ve ... I’ve gotten angry with you. I’ve reproached you because of your absences, your mood swings, and ... you ... you didn’t say a word. Oh God ... Eric ... why?”

Tears begin to fall. He hugs me and comforts me, though it should be the other way around. Finally, I pull away and stare at him.

“Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?” I ask.

“Like you feel sorry for me.”

Moved by his words, I hold him.

“My love, don’t be foolish. I’m looking at you like that because I love you and I’m hurting for ...”

“See? I’m already doing you harm. I never should have let this go on.”

“Don’t do that, Eric, please.”

With a gesture I’ll remember my entire life, he takes my face in his hands.

“Being by my side means suffering, love. I’m a man with too many responsibilities. A business to run, a problematic child to raise, and—as if that weren’t enough—a health problem. I think we’ve arrived at the moment in which you have to decide what you want to do. I’ll accept your decision no matter what it is.”

I listen to him, my mouth agape; and suddenly, I just want to slap some sense into him. What stupid shit is this? My confidence returns. I pin my eyes on his martyred blue ones.

“You’re not saying what I think you’re saying, right?”

“Yes, Jude.”

“You’re an idiot!”

Eric grins.

“You’re a beautiful young woman, a wonderful person, with your whole life ahead of you, and I ...”

“And you, what about you?” But I don’t let him answer, and I begin to yell at him like a woman possessed. “You may be a man with many responsibilities—your nephew and your condition and all—but you’re also the man I love. And if I wasn’t scared off by your sour face and your bad moods before, they’re not going to do much to me now. And you know why?”

He shakes his head.

“Because I’m not going to leave you, no matter how much you ask me to. Because I love you. Get that through your goddamned thick German skull. I don’t care about the rest. And if what needs to happen is for me to leave everything and go live with you in Germany, because I love you, I’ll think about it.”

“Jude ...”

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