Page 186 of Tell Me What You Want, Or Leave Me

“I think so, honey.”

“Wow!”

The door opens again for Norbert. When he sees me, he smiles, and I wink at him. Ten minutes later, a nurse comes in and says there are too many people in the room. As always, Björn takes care of everything without anyone telling him and leads the others to the cafeteria.

Flyn protests. He doesn’t want to be separated from me. He wants to be the first to see Medusa. I finally convince him that it’s OK to go.

“Flyn is going to be a great brother,” Eric says when we’re finally alone.

The door opens yet again, and the doctor comes in. I’m overwhelmed when I see she removes the sheets from round me. Fuck, she’s going to stick her hand inside me again. That’s so painful! But with the epidural, it doesn’t hurt.

“The delivery room! Let’s meet your baby.”

She calls the nurses, and, when they take me, I don’t want to let go of Eric.

“He comes with me,” the doctor says. “He has to pretty up to go into the operating room.”

I let go of his hand and blow him a kiss. My God, what a moment. When we get to the delivery room, my heart is going a thousand beats a minute. I’m terrified. I don’t hurt right now, but the idea of meeting Medusa terrifies me. What if Medusa doesn’t like me as a mother?

They transfer me from the wheelchair to the stretcher in the room, and the nurses leave. Two women wearing surgical masks connect me to several monitors and ask me to put my feet in the stirrups.

“Well, ‘Tell me what you want.’ What a most original tattoo.”

I laugh.

“My husband loves it.”

The three of us laugh. The doctor comes in with Eric by her side. He’s wearing green pajamas and a most ridiculous hat. I laugh again.

She stands by me and explains how I’m supposed to push. Having the epidural, I won’t feel the pain, so I have to push whenever she asks or when I see the monitor’s red light come on and stop when she tells me to. I’m scared, but I’m sitting here, ready to do it right.

The doctor positions herself between my legs, and, when the red light on the monitor on my right blinks, she asks me to push. I take a breath like I was taught in my classes, and I push...and push...and push...and push.

Eric encourages me. Eric helps me. Eric doesn’t move an inch from me. I repeat the same routine so many times that, despite not feeling pain, exhaustion begins to take its toll on me. Between pushes, a surprised Eric tells me I’m quite strong. I’m impressed with myself too. I realize I’m pushing like a beast.

The doctor explains that Medusa is pretty big and wedged in such a way that, despite my dilation and my pushing, it’s still hard to come out.

The monitor light turns red again. I keep pushing. Time passes, and I just push and push. I hold it, hold it and hold it, and then, drained, I put my head down.

“Hey, Dad...don’t miss the next contractions. Your baby is already here,” the doctor tells Eric.

That perks me up, and my eyes fill with tears, especially when I see Eric’s face full of excitement and disbelief. I push and push again and feel something coming out of me. Eric opens his eyes so wide.

“His head is out, Jude...his head!”

I want to see, but, of course, I can’t!

Although it’s better that way because seeing a head poking out of my vagina might be traumatic for me!

The doctor encourages me. “C’mon, Judith, one last push. As soon as the shoulders come out, the rest of that little body will follow.”

Exhausted but exhilarated, I do it again when the light flashes red. I push...push...push and push until I notice a huge weight leaving my body.

“We got it!”

I can’t see anything. I only see Eric.

His eyes fill with tears, and he grins. His look softens at that moment, and I think it’s the most beautiful I’ve ever seen him. I’m so thrilled. I cry with happiness when, suddenly, Medusa’s cry fills the room.

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