Page 166 of Tell Me What You Want, Or Leave Me

“I need you,” I whisper.

He pauses to consider the situation.

“Careful, OK?”

I nod. We move.

Being on top gives me more depth, and, when Eric can’t take it anymore, he gets up with me still in his arms, puts me down on the bed, and, holding back our wilder impulses, we reach climax together.

That night, when we turn off the light and hug, he kisses me on the lips.

“I’m never going to leave you, crazy girl,” he says. “I don’t know how to live without you.”

28

The days pass, and I’m still demanding sex. Eric only gives it to me in small doses.

I try to understand him, but my hormones don’t make it easy for me.

Sometimes, to avoid the discussion, Eric works late in his office. I know that’s why he does it, even if he denies it. He knows that when he makes it back to our room, I’ll be sleeping like a log and won’t wake up.

I start my prenatal classes. They’re two hours each, two days a week. Eric goes with me. He doesn’t skip a single one. Surrounded by other couples, we do everything the teacher tells us, on a mat and then on a huge ball. We have fun and learn to breathe for when the time comes. I crack up. Seeing Eric huffing and puffing like this is the best!

During these same days, I start to feel a slight pulling inside me. I consult with the gynecologist, and she tells me they’re small contractions, but that I don’t have anything to worry about. It’s normal.

I worry anyway...

I get restless...

I’m scared to death...

Every time I feel one, even if it doesn’t hurt, I totally freeze, and Eric blanches when he sees me. I don’t know who’s more scared, him or me.

Some afternoons I go pick up Flyn at school. I see my new friend María and have fun talking to her about Spain and our lives here in Germany.

The cockatoos haven’t talked about me again, and I have that on good authority. One of them turned out to be María’s friend, and she told me that, after what happened, the school sent a memo to each of them in which Laila denied what she’d said. It also had a clear warning that any new defamatory comment could be the basis for a lawsuit.

Surprised, I speak with Björn, and he confesses it was him who’d sent the letter.

And, hey, it worked. They may continue talking among themselves, but the rumors have died.

One afternoon, Eric surprises me when he comes home from work. After kissing me, he asks me to pretty up and invites me to dinner.

I look in the mirror, and I don’t like what I see.

I’m not sexy. I’m as big as a tank. My ankles are swollen, and my belly’s a huge ball. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t hide it so I wear a trendy little maternity dress and my high boots, and when Eric and Flyn see me come down the stairs, they both exclaim, “Beautiful!”

I smile and figure they’re just saying that to make me feel good. What dears!

The night has promise, and in the car, I sing along to a song on the radio called “Ja” from a German group I really like named Silbermond.

“I like to hear you sing in German.”

I rest my head back.

“It’s a very nice song.”

“And romantic,” he says.

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