Page 150 of Tell Me What You Want, Or Leave Me

“And these other sheets,” Flyn continues, “are so that when the family comes over, they can write down their wishes, and we can hang them on the tree too. Good idea, right?”

“It’s a great idea, honey,” I say, swallowing my tears.

The boy gives me a hug. Seeing us so close, Eric nods and mouths, “I love you.”

The next day, we go to Marta’s office at the hospital to review Eric’s case. At first, he refuses to let me go, insisting I stay home and rest. But he gives in when I throw a shoe at his head and shout that either I’m going with him or alone in a taxi behind him.

His eyes are still bloody. They don’t seem to improve with medication or with time. After assessing the situation with other colleagues, Marta decides to schedule surgery to drain the blood for December 16.

I’m scared, and I know Eric’s scared. But neither of us says anything. I stay quiet so as not to worry him, and he does it so as not to worry me.

The day of the operation, I’m trembling. I insist on accompanying him, and he doesn’t put up a fight. He needs me. Sonia comes with us too. When it’s time to split up, Eric gives me a kiss.

“Don’t worry, everything’s going to be OK,” he says.

I nod and smile. I want to look strong. But when he disappears from sight, Sonia hugs me, and I do what I do so well lately: I cry!

The surgery is a success, like we all hoped and wanted, and Marta insists Eric spend the night at the hospital. He refuses, but when I scold him, he gives in and even accepts that I’ll stay and keep him company.

“I hope our baby doesn’t inherit my eye problem,” he says that night in the dark.

I’d never considered it, and it saddens me to know Eric’s already worrying about that. As always, he thinks of everything.

“I’m sure not, honey. Don’t concern yourself with that now.”

“Jude...my eyes are always going to be a problem.”

“I’m also always going to be a problem. And I don’t need to tell you about Medusa. Wow, get ready, Zimmerman.”

He laughs and that comforts me.

Eager to embrace him, I get up from my bed and lie down in his.

“You have a problem with your sight, honey, and we’ll live with it forever, but I love you, you love me, and we’re going to deal with that problem and every other problem that comes our way. I don’t want you to get overwhelmed by it now, OK?”

“All right, sweetheart.”

“And when Medusa’s here, don’t think you’re going to get out of taking care of her because of your damned eyes. Oh no, don’t even think about it! I plan on having you involved in every way from the day she’s born until she goes to college or becomes a hippy and wants to live in a commune. Understood, champ?”

Eric smiles and kisses me on the head.

“Understood, champ.”

After two days, his eyes slowly return to what they once were, and I’m happy because of that and because my family’s coming to spend Christmas with us.

But despite my happiness, I feel like shit. I can’t stop vomiting, I’m thinner than I’ve ever been in my whole life. My clothes are falling off me, I’m never hungry, and I know my mood just brings Eric down. I see it in his eyes. He suffers when he sees me run to the bathroom and even more when he holds my head.

My hormones are out of control, and as soon as I laugh, I cry. I don’t recognize myself.

On December 21, we go to the airport to pick up my family. That they’re here for Christmas with us fills me with joy. But when my father and my sister see me, their faces tell me everything. They don’t say a word, but my niece goes right to the point.

“Tita, are you not feeling well?”

“No, honey, I’m not—why?”

“Because you look horrible.”

“She’s throwing up all the time,” Flyn says. “And that has us worried.”

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