Page 123 of Tell Me What You Want, Or Leave Me

I understand less with each passing minute. “Proof? What possible proof could you have?” I scream at him.

“I don’t want to talk to you right now, Judith.”

“You can’t just accuse me and—”

“Not now.” He cuts me off again. “And, by the way, my trip is going to take longer. I won’t be going home this week. I don’t want to see you.”

Then he hangs up. He hangs up on me again.

I’m about to scream, but instead, I throw myself on the bed and cry.

I don’t have the strength for anything else. When I calm down, I take a shower. Then I go to the kitchen, but there’s nobody there. I see a note from Simona.

We’re at the supermarket.

Susto and Calamar come and beg for cuddles. They’re very intuitive and seem to understand how I’m feeling; they follow me for a moment. In the living room, I head to the music corner and look through several CDs. I put on the one I know is going to hurt me the most. I’m that masochistic, and, when “Si Nos Dejan” begins to play, I cry all over again, remembering that, just a few days ago, I danced to this song with Eric.

When it’s over, I play it again. I walk toward the window with my face wet and my heart aching. It’s raining outside, and I wipe my tears while my heart breaks.

Hours later, when Simona returns, I’m calmer, and I’m not crying anymore. I must have used up all the tears for this year.

Oblivious to what’s going on with me, she makes lunch, and, when ready, she calls me to the table, but I barely eat. I’m not hungry.

But Simona’s smart and knows I’m suffering. She tries to talk to me, but I don’t want to talk. I can’t. Eventually, she gives up.

When Flyn comes home from school in the afternoon, I try to welcome him with a big smile. He doesn’t deserve to live with the anguish of seeing me depressed all the time.

I try to make the best of it. I help with his homework and have dinner with him. We talk about video games. After he goes to bed, I stay in the living room and am tempted to play some of our songs. There are so many, I know any one will make me cry again. Suddenly, Norbert and Simona burst in.

“I don’t believe anything my niece Laila said at school,” says Norbert, “and I assure you this will be cleared up. I’m very sorry for everything, ma’am.”

I get up and hug him. He remains stiff as a stick whenever I show him love, but, this time, he hugs me back.

“I will do everything possible to set things straight,” he whispers in my ear.

I nod and sigh.

“That girl is a liar, and I’m going to rip her head off if she doesn’t set the record straight with everyone,” says an angry Simona as she rubs her hands.

I hug her too.

I’d typically be furious at a moment like this, but I’m in such bad shape, so dizzy, so upset and bewildered, I can only nod and hug.

That night, Eric doesn’t call, nor do I call him.

I don’t want to think he’s still drinking or imagine he ends up in Amanda’s bed, but I’m a masochist and torture myself thinking about it and suffer like a fool.

Why am I so stupid?

I don’t call Björn either. That he doesn’t call me is a good sign. It means Eric hasn’t unleashed his fury on him yet. Poor thing; this is so unfair!

The next day, I’m shredded, but I decide to visit my gynecologist anyway. After tricking Norbert so he won’t go with me, I take a cab. In the waiting room, I watch the girls next to me.

My neck itches, my guts are churning, and I want to run out of there.

But I don’t. I control my impulses and wait, watching several pregnant women hugging their partners.

My God, how can I be pregnant?

---