Page 116 of Tell Me What You Want, Or Leave Me

“Digital or not digital?” the clerk asks.

“I don’t care,” I respond.

She opens a drawer and takes out several long, colored boxes.

“Any of these can be taken at any time of the day. This is digital; this is ultrasensitive...”

For a few minutes, the woman talks and talks, and I just want her to shut up and give me a fucking pregnancy test.

“Although you can take these anytime, I’d recommend you do it with your first morning urine.”

I finally look at the packages. What am I doing?

“Which would you like? It’s up to you.”

I don’t know what to say.

“I’ll take these,” I say, randomly choosing four.

“All of them?”

“All of them,” I say.

The clerk smiles, stops asking questions, and puts them in a plastic bag. I give her my card, and, once paid, I leave.?When I get to the car, I open the bag and take out the tests. I read the instructions on all of them; they’re all basically the same. I have to pee on the wand—they’re 99 percent reliable.

Fuck the percentages.

When I get home, Simona scolds me because I only wore my anorak and for being gone so long. I suddenly realize it’s three in the afternoon. The morning has vanished, and I hadn’t even noticed.

Simona tells me a worried Eric has called about twenty times, and that he’ll call again. I suddenly realize I’m so overwhelmed, I left the house without my cell.

“You didn’t tell him what happened to me this morning, did you?”

She shakes her head.

“No, Judith. He was worried enough about not being able to get in touch with you. Besides, I know him, and that would distress him. I didn’t tell him anything.”

“Thank you,” I whisper, and hug her.

Once Simona returns to her chores, I pick up my cell, put it in my pants pocket, and hurry to my room. I lock myself in the bathroom, sit on the toilet, and stare at the package I’ve placed on the bidet. For several minutes, I tell myself this can’t be happening.

I can’t be pregnant!

Summoning all my strength, I take out one of the tests.

I unbutton my jeans and lower them and my underwear. I sit back down on the toilet. With trembling hands, I remove the cap on one of the tests. When I finally manage to pee on it (as well as my hand), I cover it back up and place it horizontally on the bathroom countertop.

Once I’m ready and buckled back up, I light a cigarette. But after two drags, I get dizzy. I sit on the floor, then lie down and raise my legs up on the sink.

Mother of God...I’m so afraid.

Me, with a baby?

No fucking way!

Ugh...I’m so dizzy!

When I think back to Raquel’s delivery, I get nauseous. What unbelievable stress!

---