Page 114 of Tell Me What You Want, Or Leave Me

“Are you OK?”

I nod. I don’t want to scare her or for her to call Eric. I look at the clock: eleven thirty in the morning.

Crap.

Simona won’t take her eyes off me.

“I stayed up reading last night, and now I can’t seem to stay awake.”

“C’mon, sleepyhead. I made churros for you, but they’ll be cold.”

When the door closes, my stomach contracts, and I run back to the bathroom. I’m in there a good while, and then I go right back to bed. Suddenly, I think about the churros, and I get nauseous. The mere thought of them makes me want to die. I get up. Since when do churros disgust me?

I’m dizzy.

I look in the mirror, and, out of nowhere, I remember that when my sister was pregnant, she was also disgusted by churros. My stomach flips over again, and I bring my hands to my head.

“No...no...no...It can’t be.”

My mind is blocked, my stomach goes nuts again, and I run to the bathroom.

Ten minutes later, I’m lying on the floor, my feet resting on the sink. Everything is spinning around me. I just realized I haven’t had my period in longer than I would like.

I need air.

I think I’m going to have a heart attack.

When I finally get my head to stop spinning, I put my feet on the floor and sit up. I look at myself in the mirror.

“Please...please...I can’t be pregnant,” I moan pitifully.

My neck itches.

My God, I have a rash!

I scratch and scratch, but I have to stop. I can’t help myself, and I scratch again!

I go back to bed. I open the drawer on my nightstand and check my pillbox. I’m horrified to realize it’s been several days since I took the last one. I remember my last period was barely there. I was surprised, but I know I was taking the pill.

Oh God...oh God!

I curse and throw a little tantrum. I’ve been so busy with everything lately, I didn’t realize what was happening. I open the pill leaflet and read that the margin of error is 0.001 percent.

I’m so unlucky that I’m going to be that tiny percentage?

I lie back on the bed and close my eyes. Eric’s smell comes to me, and I love it. When I finally pull myself together, I get dressed and decide to go to a pharmacy. This is urgent!

“Don’t eat the cold churros, Judith,” Simona says when she sees I’m downstairs. “Wait and I’ll get you some food. By the way,Emerald Madnessstarts in fifteen minutes. I’m going to leave these shirts for Mr. Zimmerman in your room. Then we can watch it together, OK?”

I nod and walk right past her.

“Is something the matter, Judith?”

“Nothing. Why?”

“You’re pale,” she says.

Oh Mother of God, if she only knew!

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