Page 35 of Crazy Love

We both stand up at the same time, Kali waving the roller in her hand as she unleashes her anger. “One minute you’re alllet’s have a sex betand show up at my house and place of business whenever you feel like it. The next minute, you act like I insulted your mother and storm out of here. You refuse to answer my messages and phone calls, instead choosing to rock up here aweeklater and yell at me for being an idiot!”

I rub the back of my neck, the familiar sensation of discomfort crawling up it. “I’m sorry.”

Kali’s eyebrows spring to her hairline in surprise. “I was so not expecting that to come out of your mouth.”

“I know when to apologise,” I say with a shrug.

She glares at me. “Is that supposed to be a dig?”

“No, but Iamsorry. I’m sorry for acting like a jerk. You … triggered me.” I bite my teeth together and a jolt of pain reverberates in my gums. It’s a fruitless effort to control the pulse beating out of control in my jaw.

“I triggered you? How? What did I say?”

My hand rubs back and forth over my neck as nausea settles into my stomach. “Ah, shit.”

“Look Anthony,” Kali starts, her nostrils flaring. “I can deal with rejection or people losing interest. People have tastes and boundaries and can change their minds, but don’t lead me on and then act likethis.”

I step towards her without hesitation. “None of that has anything to do with how I feel about you.”

Kali’s eyes widen before she clears her throat. “Well then, how did I trigger you?”

I sigh, tilting my head back to stare at the ceiling. My gaze trails across the lighting fixtures, stalling for time, searching for the right words – anything to save me from the inevitable story that must come out of my mouth.

“I’m an addict.”

The words ring out loudly in the empty space. I don’t take my gaze from the roof, instead I try to control my thunderous heartbeat, waiting to hear what Kali says next.

It’s quiet. Sopainstakinglyquiet, I wonder if she slipped out of the room without me realising.

“Okay.”

I lower my head and see Kali watching me with interest.

“Okay?”

“Okay.” She drops her roller into the tray before turning to me. “Keep talking.”

I take a deep breath. “I’ve been clean for almost four years. Heroin, mostly.” I hold my left arm out to her, covered in swirls of ink, as I had done with Hazel last year. Kali reaches out her hand and brushes it against my skin, a finger delicately running over the track marks I’ve done a solid job of covering. It’s the first time someone other than myself or a nurse has touched them deliberately.

“I made life difficult for myself and the people around me for a long time,” I admit. “I’m grateful I’ve still got my family and my health. For now, anyway. I never shared needles, thank Christ, and I’ve got a clean bill of health when it comes to STIs and blood-borne illnesses. Figure I should mention that with a sex bet hanging over us.”

I don’t mean it as a joke and she doesn’t take it as one. Her gaze sears into my face as she processes the information. I’m acutely aware of the tension building in my shoulders, pulsating down to my clenched fists.

“I don’t partake in most vices from my past anymore,” I barrel on. “Drugs, alcohol. Occasionally, I’ll smoke a cigarette, but that’s as far as I’ve taken my bad habits. I go to therapy. I go to NA meetings when I need to. I have a sponsor I check in with. I’m sorry if that’s disappointing or makes you uncomfortable. If you want to slow things down or back out of this, I’ll understand.”

My throat starts to dry as I wait for her to respond. She continues to blink slowly, a silent analysis occurring behind her eyes that I wish I could listen in on.

“I don’t want to back out of anything,” she finally replies.

A desperate breath of relief leaves my lungs.

“I’m surprised,” she continues. “I had no idea. I’m a bit of a narcissist for not asking more about you. Or at least noticing that you don’t drink until this morning.”

“You didn’t notice. Itoldyou.”

She glares at me and it’s enough to break my face into a smile.

A look of realisation washes over her face and her hands come up to her mouth. “I’m an asshole. My comments the other day … I can’t believe I was so insensitive.”

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