Page 7 of One Hell of a Deal

“You have no idea. I’ve never eaten food before today. Or slept.”

“That explains the moaning,” I say with a chuckle, surprised by my own candor. “I suspect you have a lot of firsts on their way.”

“Speaking of that,” she says, suddenly squirming as her face crunches. “I am having a strange sensation near my fornication shaft.”

If I had a drink in my mouth, it would have come flying out. “Your fornication shaft?”

“Yeah, you know,” she points between her legs. “Down there. It’s an odd feeling. Like pressure and burning. It is not pleasurable like penetration.”

I swallow hard. “I think you may have to go pee. Urinate. The building is right here, so let me find a parking spot and I’ll get you to my bathroom quickly.”

“Oh man, I’ve never done that before.” She sinks into her seat and blows out a deep sigh. “There's so much I don’t know. This human thing is a lot more complicated than I anticipated.”

I laugh, but then stop myself when I catch her frightened expression. I luckily find a decent parking spot not too far from my building’s front door, and as I pull in, a sobering realization hits me: It’s going to be up to me to teach her all of it. Hopefully, bathroom stuff will be the worst of it.

“Let’s take this one step at a time,” I say, offering a soft smile.

She nods. “Why are you being nice to me now?”

Not really sure myself, I shrug. “I don’t know. But if we are stuck together for the next few days or until I can help get you sorted out, it might as well be as pleasant as possible.”

She smiles, satisfied with my answer, but she gasps as her face morphs into a look of terror.

“What is it?” I ask. “What’s wrong?”

“Is that pee stuff hot and wet?”

I nod, pretty sure I know where this is going.

“I think it just escaped.”

“Don’t worry about it. Let’s get you inside and cleaned up.”

I exit the car, and as she gets out, I make it a point not to look at her accident. I hope my doorman is as kind. But mostly, I just hope I will still get my deposit back on the rental car. I doubt her pee smells like cinnamon, too.

Chapter Seven: Daphne

There are so many emotions I have experienced during my short life as a human. I think it's fair to say that my least favorite of these has been humiliation. It’s bad enough that I urinated in his car. I wish my loss of pride ended there. But the conversation that followed my first trip to the toilet only made things worse.

I think it was pretty bad for Max, too. I didn’t know a face could flush as red as his did, as he calmly sat me down and explained the many bodily functions I would soon experience. I’m not sure what is more upsetting: the human need to defecate food waste each day, or that I will bleed between my legs every month. Both seem terrifying.

There have been good emotions too, thank God. Laughing makes me feel warm, eating food generates a sense of physical and mental satisfaction, and I am intrigued and amazed by so many other things. It seems the good emotions outweigh the bad.

I wish we had more time to talk after my shower, which was also strangely enjoyable, but Max had to get ready and leave for work. He promised to answer any more questions I have when he gets home tonight.

The problem is now I don’t know what to do with myself. He made me promise not to leave the apartment until he returns. I found that odd, seeing as his goal is getting rid of me as fast as he can. But I guess he wants to make sure I will help him out of his deal. He’s most likely worried that I will take off and not make good on my word.

There are several reasons I wouldn’t do that, though. One, I have no idea where I would go and what I would do. Two, I made a promise, and the one thing I have never done is break a promise. That’s literally what I have done for the last several decades…made good on promises. But third, and perhaps the most unexpected reason, is that I’m starting to like Max.

I can tell he’s irritated with me. But I can’t fault him for that, given the circumstances of our relationship. But despite all of it, he’s been kind to me. He easily could have mocked me when I peed on myself, or refused to answer any of my questions, and frankly, he could have chosen to ignore me completely, but he doesn’t. He’s helpful and patient.

His attitude towards me has only strengthened my resolve to undo his contract. I just need to figure out how. I'm not sure if any copies of the Book of Arcainia are left on Earth. Locating the ancient book of laws is my only chance of finding a loophole in our deal. But if there is a copy somewhere, I will have to get my hands on it. Somehow.

For now, I will have to wait. I can’t do anything without his help because I don’t know how to navigate the human world. I spent the morning looking around the apartment, opening cabinets and doors, examining the art on the walls, the furniture and fixtures, and observing the enormity of the city around me through the floor-to-ceiling windows. But now I’m feeling worn down. Maybe I need to sleep.

Max looked exhausted when he left. He had thick, swollen lumps under his eyes, and the color seemed to have run out of his skin. I bring my fingertips to my eyes and don’t find them puffy at all, but decide to lie on the couch for a while. Maybe a rest will make me feel better.

Turning on the TV, I press the arrows on the handheld device, changing from one moving image to the next when an old woman with a funny voice catches my attention. She’s breaking eggs into a giant bowl and says she will somehow make it into a cake. This I have got to see.

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