Page 93 of The Mercenary's Guide to Mishaps and Romance

“Oh, must be your natural smell, then. Like when a dog gets wet, you know? Go get changed. Then we’ll eat some cake and party. You don’t want to miss it.”

“You might want to miss it,” Jackson says.

Leland gives him a look. “Honey, we said that we would lie to them.”

“Sorry, babe.” Jackson turns to us and winks. “You definitely don’t want to miss it.”

Clearly, we should miss it.

Leland then goes over to the birdcage and kneels down. “Well, hello there.”

“Fuck,” the bird announces, and Leland gasps.

“Oh, mother of fences. Can you say fence? What about badass motherfucker? Repeat after me. Bad… ass… motherfucker.”

The bird dances a little. She obviously enjoys Leland cussing at her.

“Uh-oh. Balls.”

“It’s delightful,” Leland decides.

“Why does it cuss so much?” Waylon asks as he looks at her. “And did you steal it?”

“No! I wouldn’t steal someone’s bird,” I answer. “She was… I mean…” Oh my god, I stole her.

“It’s not stealing if the owner is dead,” Tavish assures me.

“Isn’t it? Are you sure?” I ask. “I’m pretty sure that’s still stealing.”

“It’s not,” he says as he picks the cage up. “Leland, I hope you don’t mind the new houseguest.”

“What if the bird takes your place?” Leland asks. “She’s significantly cuter, even with her beady little eyes and creepy talons. Her shrill squawks are even more pleasant than yours.”

Tavish flips him off as he heads up the stairs with the cage. I follow close behind.

“I’m going to get a quick shower because I have literally no idea what to expect from Leland’s birthday nonsense,” Tavish says. “Or maybe I should shower afterwards. Honestly, I really don’t know.”

He sets the cage down and opens it once the bedroom door is shut. “There you go, you creepy fucker.”

She struts out, prepared to check out the room.

“She might shit all over,” I warn.

“Ah well. Not my house,” he says.

“Uhhh, soooo what’s going on with Waylon?”

“Long story short, he was caught up in some drug nonsense and Leland and Jackson saved him. His brother, who was his guardian, is in prison, so they’re his guardians until he gets out. Although, I’m kind of feeling like Leland would fight anyone for that kid now that he’s claiming him as his own.”

“How… I mean… like how did they get to adopt him and stuff… and like… he didn’t have to go to juvie with the drug stuff?”

“El, if you ever need anything done, you just tell Cassel and he’ll fix you right up. Want a new kid? Leland would find one for you and Cassel would legally make it yours… illegally? Eh. It’ll be yours. Just don’t ask too many questions.”

“Sounds… sketchy… but clearly he’s quite happy here.”

“He does seem to be.”

“Tavish?”

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