Page 88 of The Mercenary's Guide to Mishaps and Romance

“You going to go for my fucking dad, then?”

“Hadn’t planned on it!” I say as he beats against the door with vigor.

“If you don’t open the door, I’m going to come in there and make you wish you were never born. But if you open the door, I’ll simply make you wish you didn’t wake up this morning.”

“Neither of those sound ideal!” I cry as I look around for a weapon. Hopefully, Tavish will swoop in and save the day.

But what if he’s hurt? What if Tavish needs help?

Panic and anxiety weigh down on me as I hurry over to the window. I set down the cake and the PC tower on the bedside table, knocking a glass off. Then I peek out the window and see the porch roof outside it.

“Open the goddamn door,” Miller roars as he beats against it. Then he shoots it for no fucking reason at all! Like what the hell will shooting it accomplish?

“Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I’ll kick you in the balls,” the bird barks out.

“I’m going to make fucking chicken nuggets out of that goddamn bird,” Miller says.

I try to get the little screen hooks undone but they’re not unhooking, and I end up just kicking my foot through it. My foot goes through the screen that’s trying to remain attached and I nearly fall on my face before pulling myself free. Then I swoop down and grab the cake and the tower and set them on the roof outside the window. I want to leave the motherfucking cake, but now I’m paranoid that someone will track us down by this stupid cake I brought along! Why did I bring it along? Who gives a shit if it melts in the car?

Anxiety eating through me, I quickly climb through the window and gather both items up again.

“Pretty. Pretty,” the bird declares.

I look back at her in uncertainty. “I don’t know what the fuck to do with you,” I realize, but before I can decide, she flies through the window and takes to the sky.

I really hope she finds someone to make friends with who will take her inside and treat her right. But I’m also positive that it shouldn’t be my main concern. Actually, it won’t even be a concern of mine at allif I get murdered.

The porch roof is on a slant, so I scurry over to the far end and look down at the drop below. There are decorative bushes all over beneath me but if I leap off, I’ll probably bust the PC tower.

The door to the room flings open so hard I can hear it bash into the wall from here. Miller is coming, and since I know how hard he hits when he doesn’t hate me, I’m worried about how hard it’ll be now that he seems to. Deciding that those bushes down there look like a fucking dream, I scoot myself down anddrop. I hit down into the bushes and roll to my back, getting scratched to shit in the process, but the items in my hands remain intact.

“You having a tussle with that there bush?” Tavish asks. “I’m almost a wee bit jealous how up in that bush you are.”

“You’re okay!”

“Of course I’m okay,” Tavish says as water drips from him. “That fucker will be less than okay, though, once I put a bullet in his head. The issue is that my guns are fucking wet. Let’s get back to the car. I’ll grab something that’ll add another hole for him. I really think he could use it. And why the fuck are you still carrying the cake?”

“You… said someone could track us down with it?”

“I’m pretty sure it’s worth the risk of leaving it. Just drop it and let’s go.”

“I have gone this fucking far. This cake is being hand-fucking-delivered to Leland, no matter what,” I insist as he takes the tower from me. Both seem fairly unharmed after the fall… especially in comparison to me.

“Fine, fine,” he says as I start running toward the car.

That’s when I notice something unusual. “Um. Not to like… you know, add to things, but there are three cars heading this way and they don’t look very friendly.”

“Do cars generally appear friendly?” Tavish asks.

“These look like murder cars! And did you see that last one? Totally a kidnapper van. I don’t wanna be kidnapped. I’ve already been involved in my fair share of kidnapping.”

“My god, you’re fast when you want to be,” Tavish says as I run for all I’m worth. I reach the car and grab the handle, but it’s locked.

“Why’s it locked?”

“All my guns and shit are in there.”

“Get it unlocked!”

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