Page 87 of The Mercenary's Guide to Mishaps and Romance

Now the bird is doing a weird little jig in front of the closet door. “Why’s it so obsessed with this closet?”

“I don’t know. Maybe she wants something out of it? Why don’t you close the sliding door so she doesn’t fly out? She’d be impossible to catch and wouldn’t handle our weather well as a free bird.”

“Sure, sure,” I say, heading over to the sliding door just as the closet door whips open.

The bird jerks back in alarm and starts flapping her wings as I begin to turn, but I am far too late when the person plows into me. The balcony railing hits my thighs a moment before I’m flipped right off it as I hear the bird go “Oh nooooooooo,” and as I plummet from the second floor, I swear I hear that feathered fucker laughing.

TWENTY-TWO

ELLIS

I jerk the cake toward me like I think it’s some kind of safety line, for some unknown reason. Like the masked person won’t murder me if I’m holding the damn cake because they also don’t want the frosting smeared.

Then I remember the PC tower that Tavish wanted and grab that before bolting. The only issue is that I didn’t realize it was still attached to something, and the most godawful racket accompanies me as I race down the hallway with the keyboard and mouse bouncing after me.

“Uh-oh. Uh-oh,” the bird announces as she follows me.

“Be quiet!” I hiss, like there is possibly any way no one’s going to notice me taking the keyboard and mouse for an ear-shattering stroll.

The keyboard catches on something, snapping free of the tower as I hear a gunshot that sounds like it’s coming from outside. That’s a good thing, right? That means Tavish is okay enough to still shoot. But I’m too goddamn terrified to turn around and check.

And as I barrel down the hallway, I realize that I took a wrong fucking turn in my panic. I am now stuck at the wrong end of thehallway, well aware that I’d have to pass the room the shooter is in to reach the stairwell. Frantically, I turn into a random room as I glimpse the masked person hurrying down the hallway after me. I slam the door shut, and then realize I closed the fucking bird outside it and quickly reopen it.

“Come on, hurry!”

The bird cocks her head, and then as slowly as she can walk, she struts over to the open door and slips inside just as the man reaches it. I slam my entire body against the door as he sticks his foot in the open doorway, keeping me from closing it.

“I’m gonna fuck you up,” the bird announces. At this point, I’m not quite sure who she’s fucking up. But I sure wish she could have walked a bit faster than the pace of a tortoise.

“Come on, you don’t want to piss me off,” the guy says, his foot keeping me from closing it the rest of the way.

“I’m really nobody and just want to go home, and I’m so sorry if you were having a good time here and wanted to stay in the closet. You can have the closet. You can have the whole house, really. Ha ha. Enjoy it all. It’s all yours. Please, I don’t want to die. I’m not really good at this whole thing and you’re clearly quite good at it, so take pity on me?”

“Why the fuck don’t you ever shut up?” he asks as I ram against the door some more while the bird starts pecking the shit out of his shoe. She gets right up in there, twisting and tearing at the fabric even though I don’t feel like she’s making much progress.

“Get the fuck off me or I’ll blow a hole in your feathered head,” he snarls.

“Don’t you dare,” I growl. Juggling the cake and tower, I grab the mouse by its cord and whip it through the open doorway. It smashes the man right between the eyes and gives me enough time to scoot the bird back and slam the door shut so I can lock it.

“Open the fucking door.”

“I really don’t think I’m going to.”

“Please?” he asks.

“No! You’re going to murder me!”

“I’m not going to murder you. I might torture you a bit. But I’ve been told to keep you alive.”

“You’re Miller, right? I mean, I can tell by the way you hate my guts for no reason. I’m not even the one sleeping with your mom. But if you keep fucking with me, I just might!” I growl.

Oh yes, good job, Ellis. You’re phenomenal at shit talking. Yes. Let’s threaten to sleep with the other guy’s mom like we’re in the ninth grade.

“I’m going to chop your fucking dick off,” he decides. “I’m going to go find a serrated knife, and I’m going to saw my way through your fucking dick, you hear me?”

How the fuck could I not hear him? I’m over here throwing some stupid comment at him like a fifteen-year-old and he’s planning on castration!

“I was joking! I don’t even like women!”

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