Page 70 of The Mercenary's Guide to Mishaps and Romance

He gets into the car and I’m afraid that if I rush around to the passenger seat, he’ll take off, so I slip into the back seat of the SUV.

“Shawn, come on. Please.”

“I’m not leaving. I’m not going anywhere until you tell me everything. I deserve answers, dammit.”

I feel so flustered. I feel like crying, and it’s so fucking stupid. Do I even want to be in this goddamn car? If he’s been alive for these past twelve years, does that mean he’s just chosen not to ever reach out to us? To never tell us that he was alive?

“You could have told us you were alive,” I yell. I’m nearly shaking, and my emotions are all over the fucking place.

“I didn’t want any of you to be at risk,” Dad says.

“You could have sent a fucking… postcard. You could have donesomething.”

Dad pulls out onto the street since it’s clear I’m not getting out. But I feel weirdly vulnerable. Like… I shouldn’t have left the others. It’s not like I really even know them… but do I even know my father anymore?

Why am I panicking? I’m not good at this shit. I’m not some action hero who swoops in and knows what to do and?—

“Fucking hell!” Dad yells as he slams on the brakes to avoid hitting Tavish who just leaps out in front of the SUV.

He raps on the window and mimes some stuff before hurrying to the door. Dad starts accelerating, likely thinking he’s some assassin come to murder him. I quickly reach over for the unlock button but Dad, seeing what I’m doing, begins hitting buttons to relock the door. Somehow in his panic, he ends up rolling down the back window instead.

“Not quite what I was thinking!” Tavish yells as he throws his upper half through the window while Dad guns it.

“Dad! Stop, this guy is helping me.” I scramble to grab Tavish to keep him from fallingoutof the moving vehicle he’s halfway inside.

“I saw him working with them!” Dad shouts as he tries rolling up the back window but starts rolling the passenger side down instead.

“This must be your father,” Tavish says as he squirms a bit. “I think I’m stuck.”

Desperately, I start pulling him, but he does indeed seem to be stuck on something.

“Shawn, push him out! He’s working for them.”

“I know he was. It’s a whole thing, but now he’s not! Dad, please believe me!”

“I think my machete is stuck,” Tavish says as he wiggles this way and that, ass still stuck out the window while my dad panic-drives through the city.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have brought a fucking machete!” I brace my feet as I pull for all I’m worth, afraid he’s going to fall out and get hit by another car. “Tavish, stop kicking so much! Someone’s going to hit you!”

“I’m a motherfucking bear. I would hit them,” he says as I reach through the window and grab him by the back of his pants so I can tug him.

“Fucking hell, why are you trying to split my balls with my underwear?”

“Because you brought a freaking machete! Can you release it?”

“Ow. My balls! My balls!”

“Would you rather have bruised balls or no fucking legs? Dad, stop the damn car!”

“He’s lying to you!” Dad yells as I pat along Tavish’s side until I find the machete that’s wedged against the handle. I tug against it, hoping to free it.

“He’s not fucking lying! You’re the liar! You were supposed to be my father, and instead, you just went off and fucking pretended to be dead for twelve years! Now stop the goddamn car!”

He slams on the brakes, probably thinking that’d get rid of Tavish, but instead, Tavish comes oozing into the SUV, melting onto the floor of the vehicle as the machete is whipped out of my hand and flies off onto the road.

“Oh, my balls are safe,” Tavish says as he gives me a thumbs-up. “So is this how normal people meet the parents?”

“You two are dating?” Dad asks, nearly murdering us so he can crane his neck around to see. “He’s tricking you! Shawn, dammit, this man is not who he says he is.”

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