Page 46 of The Mercenary's Guide to Mishaps and Romance

“Wow. I bet she was fun in bed.”

“Every experience was life or death, but boy did she know how to work her magic,” Tavish says. Like what the fuck is he even talking about?

“My wife does too. Sometimes she’ll toss in a little surprise like some spicy lawn-ger-ray or bring the neighbor Chad over.”

I… feel like lingerie or the neighbor are two completely different things.

“Chad get right up in there?” Tavish asks, evidently invested now.

“I thought since he was a young’un, only about twenty-one, he wouldn’t be able to keep up. But as long as we give him a few rests he does his best.”

What the fuck is he doing that this man in his prime can’t keep up?

“You’re hilarious,” Tavish says as he heads off like he doesn’t have a hole in his shoulder or a hole in his shoe from me shooting him.

I tag behind, holding the vase and wondering why I’ve suddenly been deemed the vase holder of the group. And… speaking of which, why am I even carrying this stupid thing? I debate setting it on the ground, but I feel like we’ve gone this far with it, I might as well keep carrying it.

When I see the house in the woods, there’s a weird mixture of relief and anxiety that floods through me. This guy is far too suspicious, but don’t serial killers try to blend in?

“You boys hungry? Since we were talking about raccoons, I have some raccoon jerky. I’m sure you’re used to eating kangaroos or koalas, but over here our wildlife doesn’t punch back,” Fred says, then laughs.

“Still not Australian, but you know… I think I’m actually feeling quite full. I’ve eaten a grand total of nothing since this time yesterday and I couldn’t feel fuller,” Tavish says. “This the ATV?”

“You, Ellie?”

It takes me a moment to realize he’s talking to me. “Uh, nope. My stomach took to eating itself hours ago and is fully sated.”

“Is it the raccoon? Do you feel a kinship to one after getting caught like one?” Fred asks then laughs again.

I just give him a very forced polite laugh which he seems to enjoy.

Then he heads over to his ATV and waves at it. “Alright, let’s go,” he says as he clambers on.

It’s clearly meant for one rider to fit comfortably but two to be tight. It’s definitely not for three grown men, but Fred is sure waving us on like we’re all just going to sit on each other’s laps.

“Do you want to be the sausage or the bun?” Tavish asks.

I’m immediately confused. “Is this some kind of code for sex?”

“You’re hilarious!” Fred says. “My wife likes being the sausage.”

“Ha… ha ha…”

“You took too long. Get in the middle,” Tavish orders.

I eye the ATV as I finally get what he was referring to with the whole sausage and buns thing. “I feel like that’s the worst spot.”

“Unless someone starts shooting at us and then it’s the best spot,” Tavish says.

Which is averygood point. “Okay. Sure. Yeah. Okay,” I agree as I climb on behind Fred. I settle on a relatively appropriate distance between my dick and this random man’s ass while still holding this fucking vase. “Do I leave the vase?”

“I got a nice little holder for it up here,” Fred says, setting it in the container as I realize the vase is going to have a whole hell of a lot more room than I’m about to have.

Tavish swings on behind me and I’m thrust forward, right into Fred.

“Maybe you could take one of us at a time?” I ask as I feel it all. I feel every bit of Fred’s backside and every bit of Tavish’s front side… and I’m suddenly wishing I had the vase to put some distance between us.

“Sounds like someone doesn’t like being the sausage between two handsome buns,” Fred comments. “My wife would be jealous. Now hold on tight, Elliot.”

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