Page 27 of The Mercenary's Guide to Mishaps and Romance

“He likes it,” I decide.

“Does anyone like to be called names?”

“This weasel does,” I assure him as I use the tree to stand up. “Let’s get the hell out of here.”

And with that, I start walking. I don’t want to waste my phone’s battery life too much, so I only check it for a signal every five minutes or so as we battle brush, weeds, and vines.

“Do you know how to fly a plane?” Ellis asks.

“Yeah, I can fly it, right into the ocean.”

He scowls. “What about a boat?”

“God, the last boat I was on sank. Not my fault, though. One hundred percent that weasel’s fault. I just drank the beer that came with the boat we’d stolen.”

“I’m finding out that there aren’t just good guys and bad guys,” he informs me. “There are two layers of bad guys. You and your crew are in your own layer and those assholes are in another.”

I shrug, not seeing many issues with this. “There are some people out there who are on a whole different level than me. People who force you to climb countless stairs while holding you at knifepoint. People who drag you out on a boat only to threaten to drown you.”

“I’m so confused,” Ellis complains.

“That’s why you’re better off with me.”

“But… these are the people you’re relying on to save you? I’m confused. They sound like they’d get you killed before they’d save you.”

“It’s fine,” I assure him.

“Is it?”

TEN

ELLIS

None of this is fine. I don’t know what universe this man lives in that he thinks any of this is fine. I’m starting to believe that he inhaled so many fumes when I used that entire can on his face that he’s now under the impression that we’re not fucked.

We walk for a while, about an hour of stumbling and tripping over shit we can’t see, while checking the phone for even a hint of a signal. The thorns snag at my clothes and the brush whips my hair back. I’m sweaty, dirty, and bloody. And I sort of regret using most of the single bottle of water I had to rinse Tavish’s eyes. He really didn’t deserve such kindness, did he? Although… I suppose he saved my life a few times, but would he have needed to save it if he hadn’t abducted me?

“You hear that?” he asks.

“All I can hear is my own desperation and the way my thoughts keep going, ‘I bet this is a dream. This has to be a dream.’”

“Nah, I could hear your desperation too, especially back there when you tripped and cussed and then apologized for being ‘irrational.’ But this is different. I think they’re on ATVs.”

I hesitate as that idea sinks in. “Are you saying there’s a trail we could have been going on?” I smack a branch back in annoyance, only to have it snap back and hit me right in the face. “Dammit.”

“Yeah, the trail’s over there; I thought you wanted to go this way for better cardio,” Tavish says.

“Are you serious?”

He laughs. “No, I can’t see shit out here. My weepy eyes haven’t helped, either. I haven’t cried this much since I watchedBarbie.”

I eye the man who doesn’t seem to be making a joke. “Okay… so if those are ATVs… do you have a plan?”

Tavish checks the gun. “Yeah. I have a solid plan if there’s only one guy, since that’s the amount of ammunition I have left. Oh! Unless we line them up. But the firepower might not be enough depending on how deep the line is. Although… I’m always up for trying something new. You line them up, I’ll take the shot.” He mimes taking the shot and then mimes the blood splatter as I watch in horror.

The sounds of the ATVs are getting closer, so I decide I will simply lie down right here. I mean… if we can’t see anything,theycan’t see anything. Right? That’s… hopefully how that works, right?

Once I’m on the ground, I see a log and shimmy my way over to it where I lie down flat, pleased with my hiding spot until Tavish lies down practically on top of me.

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