Page 17 of The Mercenary's Guide to Mishaps and Romance

“Wait, are you into this shit?” he asks.

Into it? No! I’m into living!

“Oh, my ferocious kitten, let me hear you purr,” the man says.

“I’m getting secondhand embarrassment,” Tavish mutters. “I get a bit murdery when I’m embarrassed.”

“How did you ever think I was the bad guy?” I whisper.

The guy outside the closet shows no sign of slowing down. “I would take my face and just stuff it between your two beautiful pillows.”

“Pillows?” Tavish whispers. “He can’t even say breasts? They’re breasts, my man.”

Did I ever imagine I would be in a closet with another man listening to someone having phone sex while everyone else is trying to kill us?

Ha… ha ha. This is a nightmare. A literal nightmare.

“I will squeal all night long for you,” the man says. “Yessssss, honey. I’m gonna suck your little toe?—”

The door to the room opens. “What the fuck was that?” a second man asks.

“What?”

“Did you just tell my mother you’re going to suck her toes?”

“See? I should just put him out of his misery,” Tavish whispers.

“No, god no. I would never… say that… to your mother… why would I… no.”

“Are you going to suck my mother’s toes?” The second man sounds delirious at this point.

“N-Not unless she wanted me to! Wait… you hear that? Someone’s calling for me.”

“The only thing calling for you is Death,” the second guy growls as he stomps after the first.

Now that the two are finally gone, I realize that Tavish is rather quiet…

What if… he’s dead, and now I have a dead man on me, and I swear if he’s just fucking croaked on my lap I’m going to be so pissed. It’s not like I want to be with him, but the idea of him being dead makes me realize that maybe I really do want to keep him around. Because if he’s dead… I’m completely alone and one hundred percent outside my expertise. I know how to hold ferocious kittens, not any of this shit!

“T-Tavish?”

Silence.

I shake him harder than I probably need to. “Tavish!”

“Huh! Wha? Is he back to sucking Mommy’s toes?”

“What?”

“I don’t fucking know, man.”

“I thought you were dead.”

“HA! I’m a motherfucking bear. You think bears die from being stabbed once? HA!”

And then he smashes his head into something, making a horriblethunk.

“Are you dead now?” I ask.

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