Page 117 of The Mercenary's Guide to Mishaps and Romance

“There you go! Now whenever you feel lonely, you just give him a good ol’ squeeze, mkay?” I show him how by giving the penis a squeeze. “See?”

“Or I could just go with you,” Jackson says as Ellis and Tavish come down while I’m squeezing away on the inflatable phallus.

“Good mornin’, weasel. I’m just going to pretend you’re not over there squeezin’ a weenie,” Tavish declares as Ellis holds the African grey on his shoulder now that we know the dogs don’t mind her. Cayanne would absolutely love to become friends with her, but the parrot isn’t positive yet.

“Did you guys name her yet?” Jackson asks as I unhand Randy.

“I don’t know. I just know she’s a cutie pie and a sweetie pie. Aren’t you, baby girl?” Ellis coos while staring at her with adoration in his eyes.

“I’m gonna kick your ass,” she declares, but Ellis is still in love.

“Do I even ask what’s going on here?” Tavish asks as he waves toward Blow-Up Randy.

“Don’t be jealous,” I say as Tavish grabs a bowl and hands a second one to Ellis.

“Thank you for letting us eat here. I’ll make sure to pay you back for all the food we’ve eaten,” Ellis says because he’s easily confused.

“Tavish… wheredidyou find this one?” I ask, also confused.

“I abducted him.”

“About the only way you’d get a man this nice.”

“I’m sure,” Tavish agrees, not even pretending like it’s not the case.

“On the computer you guys nabbed from Nate Stewart’s house, Cassel found proof that he was the one forging all of the information on Ellis that Tavish received. So clearly, he was in on quite a bit of it. He also had screenshots of bank information showing all of the transactions that have gone on between Arthur and this Sally lady who supposedly killed his daughter.”

“That’s great he’s finally found some proof,” Tavish says. “I’m glad Miller wasn’t lying.”

“Right?”

Ellis scritches his bird some more.

“So does she have a name?” I ask. “I will name her.”

Tavish grimaces. “Hell no. You’ll name her something stupid like Fence.”

“Bad Fence Ass,” the parrot announces.

I gasp. “That’s right! Badass motherfucker. Say badass motherfucker loves The Fence.”

“Bad Fence Ass,” the parrot declares as she dances a bit on Ellis’s shoulder.

“You’re so smart, you pretty bird! Leland, you already taught her new words!” Ellis says gleefully. He’s so gleeful that he doesn’t even seem to mind the content of the words I’d taught her last night while they were off playing hide the cucumber.

I eye the bird and the delight on Ellis’s face and then glance over at Tavish, who is watching him closely. “I have a good name for her.”

Jackson pats my arm like he’s getting prepared to apologize about something. “Honey, I love your names. I really do. But… I think that maybe… they’re not?—”

I stare at my one true love. “Husband… how dare you? How… husband. Husband, you dare do this to me?”

“I’m sorry,” Jackson says. “Please, enlighten us with your name while I try not to think about your shotgun named Gun-a-Fuk-Ya-Up.”

“Get it? Because it’s a gun?”

No one seems to get it besides Ellis, who laughs because he’s just delightful.

“Alright, are you guys ready for this phenomenal name?”

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