Page 111 of The Mercenary's Guide to Mishaps and Romance

Leland: I’m assuming your lack of reply is you all pausing to laugh. Fine, fine. I’ll send the real code.

I groan as I rub my face. “What if I’m too embarrassed now?”

Tavish shrugs, clearly seeing no problem with anything that’s happening. “What if you have nothing to be embarrassed about? I mean… think of all the embarrassing shit Leland willingly admits to.”

“Okay. And I’m also confused… Leland has a second house? Is it like… a lake house or something?”

“Fuck if I know. You seem to think I know a whole lot more about Leland than I do. It’s probably a safe house. A place that’s untraceable that he could go to if things went bad. Or back when he was doing jobs. But now it’s our love shack.”

“You know what? That roof looks super romantic,” I say as I point at a random roof we’re driving by in the abductor van.

Tavish laughs. “We’re not going to the roof. It’s my birthday. The Horny Homestead is my destination.”

“No…”

“That’s what Leland named the location,” he says, flashing his phone at me.

“Fucking hell. I’ll never be able to face him again.”

“That’s fine. But he has a way of wearing you down. Like a parasite,” he says as he drives.

“Hmm…” I think about that for a moment. “When we get to this… location, I’m going to woo you so fucking hard. Hard enough you’re going to forget about every second of this Leland conversation.”

“I’ve already forgotten it. Leland who? My eyes are only on you,” Tavish declares.

“Please… keep your eyes on the road. I want to live through this.”

“That’s understandable.”

He pulls into the driveway of a rather normal-looking house. I assumed it was going to be as sketchy as could be, but it really couldn’t look more normal.

“Am I the only one suspicious about this?” I ask as we head up to the front door.

“Oh, no, definitely not. I’m convinced it’s a trap of some kind, but like a fun trap,” Tavish says.

“Fun trap.” I test the words out as he pushes the door open and waves me in.

And because I might be a bit nosy, I eagerly head in and gasp.

“What?”

I kick my shoes off, as does Tavish, before venturing in farther. “Oh my god, his literal staged safe house looks more lived in than your real house. Holy shit… they have a TV stand?” I hurry into the room and wave toward the table. “And a table. Imagine if you had a table at your house. We could fuck on the table.” I dramatically lie against it so I’m showing him my ass. “Think of all the things you’re missing out on. Hold on… I’m doing a sexy pose here and you’re staring at your phone.”

“Yeah, I’m ordering a fucking table!” Tavish says as he taps quickly at his phone. “It’ll be here Monday.”

“How the hell did you order one so fast?”

“I just wanted it hardy. I didn’t care about anything else. Where else could we fuck that I don’t have?”

“Hmm… I never got to see your bathroom, but what’s that like?”

“Super sexy. Totally.”

“Oh yeah?” I ask as I roll off the table and hurry into the kitchen. I flip open some cupboards and look in at the food inside. It all seems to be items with long expiration dates, but it’s still better than what Tavish has.

“Full cupboards. Oh my god,” I say as I grab a few cans and run them down my chest. “So sexy.”

“Oh fuck. Am I going to have to do a full grocery delivery while you touch those cans in a way I want to be touched?”

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