Page 99 of Austen Persuaded

Finally, in what might have been ten minutes or one hundred, I choked out, “She—she couldn’t even be happy for me, n–not evena little.” I stopped to catch my breath. “My new line of work seemed to—to disgust her.”

Rafael stiffened beside me. “Go on.”

“She asked me again why I wasn’t b–back with Brandon, and then instead of being outraged by how he treated me, she was offended by my ‘coarse’ words.” I turned to my best friend briefly, though I didn’t meet his eyes. “I’ve never usedtrulycoarse words with her. I wouldn’t dare.”

“I know.”

“And then her slimy rich boyfriend—he, well, he hit on me. When I told her about it, she basically turned to ice and told me what a massive failure of a daughter I am.”

Rafael breathed out slowly and, in an icy calm voice, asked, “Annie … is there more?”

“Those are the highlights. And I know, Iknowshe isn’t always right to say these things, but—”

“Annie—”

“But I am such an idiot for imagining, forhopingthis could’ve ended any other way. I should know better. I must be so deluded, but then I wonder, what else am I deluded about? Is she … could she be right about some things?” I inhaled a shaky breath, staring down at my knees. “I’ve been sitting here thinking maybe this promotion, this job thing is stupid after all. I’ve already written my resignation email in my head. It’s just—”

Rafael gave my shoulders a gentle shake. “Stop. I can’t let you keep talking.”

I slowly raised my head, my bloodshot eyes finally meeting his. “Raf—”

“I’ll sit here all day with you in this closet if you want to. But I can’t, for a second more, let you believe anything out of thathorriblewoman’s mouth.”

I inhaled sharply.

“She gave birth to you, I know, but I’m done pretending she’s anything but a vile, abusive, self-centered monster.”

I stared at him, and for some reason my eyes watered. Why? He wasn’t saying anything that I didn’t know or agree with. I didn’t resent him for saying it. Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face, and my entire body was shaking.

Rafael enveloped me in his arms, and he stroked my hair lightly until I stopped shaking.

“I—I’m not—” I started.

“I’m sorry if that sounded harsh. I don’t mean to be hurtful. Not to you anyway.”

“No, I’m not … I can’t defend her. I don’t want to. How could I? She has no redeeming qualities, that I know of.” I fell silent, thinking of everything I knew about her mother. “She did have a difficult childhood, I think. Neglect, emotional abuse, for example. She never talked about it much, but I know it shaped her. It’s not an excuse, but …” I let the words hang in the air.

“At the very least, she probably has narcissistic personality disorder. I looked it up after your last call from her. Maybe other issues as well. And you know what, Annie? She isn’t going to change. This is who she is.” He squeezed my hand to soften the blow of his words.

After a few steadying breaths, I said quietly, “Logically, I know that.”

Rafael squeezed me tighter into his side, and we sat quietly for a long time.

I debated internally whether or not to confess my other messy personal disaster to Rafael.

Why not?

This is my year of rock bottoms, apparently.

“That’s actually not the only reason I’m doubting my future at the agency.” I exhaled in relief at having forced the words out.

“Oh?” He turned to face me and sit cross-legged, so we were sitting perpendicular now instead of side by side.

“Yeah, um,” I started, squeezing my eyes shut. “It’s kind of embarrassing, but I realized I’m, uh, still in love with—”

“Oh, that,” Rafael interrupted, chuckling. “Duh.”

I elbowed him. “You knew? Wait, I didn’t even know myself until recently.”

---