Page 52 of Austen Persuaded

Can I even do this? With him here?

Does he have to ruinthistoo? Just like he ruined the …

But a tiny voice inside reminded me thathehadn’t ruined our relationship; I had. I’d ended things when I wasn’t ready to commit to uprooting my life for him. When I wasn’t ready to give up everything. Even though hewaseverything.

“Annie?” said a feminine voice above me.

I glanced up, eyes widened, as Carlina stood above me and knelt down. “Are you OK?”

“Oh, hi. I was, um, you see, this friend of mine—”

Carlina shook her head. “No need to explain. If you’re pregnant or not, or if it has something to do with that guy who joined the circle or not, you don’t owe anyone any explanation. I just came over to see if you need any help.”

I felt a little moisture well up in my eye, which I quickly dabbed away. “Carlina, you are too sweet. We’ve only just met. But thank you. It’s, ah, a long story.”

“It always is.” She nodded. “If you ever want to get a coffee and talk about it, let me know. Or not, that’s cool too.” She took my hand. “In the meantime though, let’s get you up and back to the book club you’re going to lead. How can I help?”

My eyes darted around, not knowing what to do. “I … uh … a few people might’ve seen me hide behind the shelf like an idiot, so … um … ”

“Oh, I have an idea.” Carlina stood and extended a hand to pull me up surprisingly quickly. “Just follow my lead,” she whispered with a sly smile.

I was about to protest, but the words died on my lips. I had no good alternatives.

As we entered the book club area, Carlina squeezed my hand and said a bit loudly, “Thanks so much for finding this for me, Annie. My partner insisted all the other pregnancy books were written by quacks, and there’s no convincing her otherwise.”

I hid my surprise and gave Carlina a warm albeit shaky smile. What a lovely woman. I was definitely going to take her up on the coffee offer. “Anytime, pal.”

I winced.

Anytime, pal?Really, that’s the best you can do?

I strode over to my chair and sat down, noting that Sai was next to me. I tried to smile at her, and she was staring at me oddly. Wasthat pity? Kindred spirits we were, perhaps, hiding from our love interests.

What? No, Kylan isn’t a love interest. That’s firmly in the past.

But before I could analyze Sai’s face further, the look vanished, replaced by her bored expression.

I took a deep breath and scanned the perimeter of the circle, with all the eager faces. I skipped over his, of course. He was sitting on the opposite side of the circle. There were probably nearly thirty people in attendance, so it was a large circle. Still, I felt so exposed, like he was right in front of me, seeing everything.

I cleared my throat. I would be professional, and I would ignore him. “Hello, everyone! I’m Annie York, and I coordinate events for Bookshop. Welcome to the inaugural book club meeting! I’msoexcited to see so much interest in this, and I hope you all have as much fun as I know I will in this club. Since we haven’t started reading a book yet, I thought we’d spend this meeting getting to know each other and then discussing what books we’d like to read in the future. I want this to beyourbook club, so I’m not going to merely make selections from somewhere on high. We’re going to decide together, vote, and all that.” There were smiles around the room, mostly. A few people looked disappointed. “Although if the group decided we wanted to have a surprise pick chosen by the leader or someone else, that’s within the realm of possibility too. This isyourbook club.” I smiled while scanning all the interested faces again, except of course his.

I wouldn’t meet his eyes again. I couldn’t.

“So, let’s start off by introducing ourselves. I know some people don’t love introductions, so if you’re one of those folks, you can keep it minimal. Tell us your first name and one thing about you. Anything. Could be your pet’s name or your favorite author. Or if you like talking about yourself, tell us something else, including what you like to read. Sound good?”

Many heads bobbed up and down. Not everyone was nodding, but that was OK. I didn’t like to put anyone on the spot, but a book club did require discussion, so people did need to speak up a little.Then again, maybe there were ways to make it more inclusive for people who were shy. I frowned, wondering if I might have bungled things already; book lovers were probably statistically more likely to be shy, after all. Or was that just a stereotype? I had no idea, as shyness was as foreign to me as Antarctica.

I quickly recovered my smile. “I’ll start. I’m Annie, as I said, and I’m interning here as an event coordinator. I’m looking to get more involved in the world of books and publishing. I worked as an editor for nonfiction, but my real love is fiction, so that’s where I’m looking to transition into, career-wise, somehow. I don’t want to drone on about work, but it does overlap with my interests so much because, you guys, I have loved books for as long as I can remember. I’m the most extroverted book lover you’ll ever meet, probably. Well, maybe besides Carlina.” I glanced at my new friend, who laughed and winked.

“I like a variety of fiction. I have a degree in English so I’ve read and enjoyed a lot of the classics, but I also enjoy genre fiction, especially rom-coms. Let’s see … for random stuff, I also teach ballet, I love fashion, and I have a kitten named Charlie.” I blushed when I thought of the reason I had a kitten, remembering how I’d ducked into the pet store. Was Kylan even now connecting the dots? I didn’t dare look at him and find out. “I think that’s enough about me. You don’t need to say that much about yourself unless you want to. We’ll get to know each other better as we talk about the books we read, naturally. OK … Sai, how about you go next?”

Sai scowled in my direction and then looked at the floor in the center of the circle. “Hi, I’m Sai, and I work at Bookshop. I like literature.”

I waited for her to say more, but she seemed to be done. Disappointed, I forced a smile anyway. “OK, Sai, thanks. And we’ll move on—go ahead and just continue around the circle one after another.”

As the women around the circle spoke, I smiled and nodded, making occasional comments in response to what they’d revealedabout themselves. But I began to feel increasingly anxious as Kylan’s turn approached.

How could I bear it? To not only look upon him but hear him speak. To hear that slightly gravelly voice that once spoke of love, of forever, of promises that I’d never given him a chance to keep. And that same voice that, because of my choices, began to speak to me with pain, with brokenness, and eventually with coldness.

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