Page 20 of Austen Persuaded

My heart suddenly lodged in my throat, and I didn’t hear a word as he continued talking about whatever game they were playing. I tried to look at the game box for the name, but my vision was fuzzy. I placed my hand on my chest, trying to catch my breath. Thinking I might be swaying, I grasped the table with my other hand.

In the next moment, someone was guiding me downward into a chair. I looked behind me slowly, and it was Rainn, worry etched in his features.

Rafael clasped my hand. “Annie, girl, breathe.” He led me through some exercises to slowly count breaths. We’d done this before, so many years ago, though I couldn’t remember exactly why. Slowly I felt my body return to calm and my mind start to clear.

“I … wow, sorry about that.”

“Hey, don’t apologize,” Joel said, turning to me, and the other guys nodded. “I’ve had panic attacks before, Annie. Used to have panic disorder pretty bad actually. Long time ago, but I remember what it was like.”

“Panic attacks? No, I don’t … this wasn’t …” I protested.Is that what this is?“I don’t know.”

“Did we say or do something to upset you?” Rafael asked, looking at me intently, holding both of my hands now.

I swallowed. It was coming back to me now. Again. D&D. Hearing Joel talk about the game threatened to plunge me into those memories best left hidden. Memories of the man who … Well. Memories Ineededto keep buried, sothisdidn’t happen. How mortifying. I took my hands out of Rafael’s grip and used them to hide my face. “I don’t know, but this is embarrassing. Please, can we just forget this? I’msonot a panic kind of girl.”

Silence descended upon the table for a few long moments. When I uncovered my face, they were all looking at me with curious eyes, as if expecting me to explain. But I raised my chin and met their eyes defiantly. “Well, are you going to teach me this dorky game or not? Mystic Forge? So cheesy—”

“Mythic,” muttered Rafael.

I felt the shadow of a smile. “Whatever. Also, I hope you bought enough muffins to share with me, Raf.”

I watched as they finished their current game and listened as they described the particulars. After the game ended, Joel rose to go brew more coffee.

“Hey Annie, if you don’t want to talk about this yet, just say so, but have you thought about finding work yet? Like what you might be looking to do? Raf here said you wouldn’t be editing for Bolder anymore, and I couldn’t agree more. We couldn’t let you work for that bastard again.” Rainn flexed his hands over his head. “Are you wanting another editing gig or something else?”

I let out a long exhale. “I haven’t really given it much thought yet.”None, actually. “There’s been a lot to think about the past few days, you know?” I bit my lip and looked at Rafael. “I mean, I don’t plan to mooch off you guys forever. Don’t worry—I’ll find something. And I do have a little savings, so you don’t have to pay my bills or anything like that.”

“We weren’t worried about that,” Rafael scoffed. “We just … want to help you find your passion, Annie. Your true calling wasn’t fixing punctuation, girl.”

“Hey, don’t knock proper punctuation. Doing itwellis a rare skill, I’m telling you.” I grinned briefly before my face fell. “Maybeediting isn’t really my passion, but is that so wrong? Why does passion need to be associated with a paycheck?”

The three men stared at me, seemingly unsure how to respond. “OK, I guess I’m asking the wrong people. All of you get paid to do the jobs you love. But not everyone has to. Maybe I’m meant to live a passionate life outside of work, and work just … pays the bills?”

After a beat of silence, Rafael spoke cautiously, “Sure, that can work. If you live your passions outside of work.”

He’s implying I don’t!

Resentment rose as a bitter taste in my throat, but not necessarily toward him.

He’s probably right. What am I passionate about? Buyinga new outfit? Going to a party? Meeting a new guy?

Yet I knew the answer.

Passion was not for me.

Passion led to pain.

Passion, even the memory of it, led to … well, apparently, panic attacks.

Passion never did me any favors.

Passion is better left to others. I have no use for it.

“Meh, I don’t know about all that,” I said breezily. “Don’t worry. I’ll find something.” When they glanced at me and then at each other with some doubt, I smiled through clenched teeth. “Seriously, it’ll befine.”

As Joel and Rainn started to set up the next game, Rafael gazed at me thoughtfully, and then his eyes brightened. “I have it! You can teach a few classes at the school. I’ve actually been wanting to hire a new part-time teacher for some ballet and contemporary classes.”

“Oh, I don’t think—”

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