Page 56 of Meet Me on Christmas Eve

“Terry, it looks amazing. Seriously, when did you have time to do all this?” I looked at him in awe.

He shook his head with a wry grin. “I’ll never tell.” He sat silently and watched me drink some water and then try a sugar cookie, which was delicious. “Yes, I made them. Don’t look so surprised that I’m a man of many talents. Old family recipe.” He smiled but then looked serious. “So, about the note. What do you say?”

“I say … I don’t know, Terry. It’s so sudden. I need to think—”

His lips curved into a deep frown. “Is it that sudden though? I still have feelings for you, Mariana,” he said, his voice sounding a bit choked. “I think—no, Iknowyou feel something too.”

I can’t look away, his expression is so raw, so honest. I can’t speak though.

“Mariana, please. Just admit that, at least.” He paused, hesitation in his eyes. “Or—or tell me if I’ve misread everything.”

I nod, closing my eyes briefly. “I do feel something for you.” My voice was soft, but I know he heard me because relief washes over his face. But only briefly, before I continue. “You need me to be honest, so how can I … I don’t even know what is the truth. I don’t know what I want. You want Mariana LaBelle, but she doesn’t exist anymore. I am not her, Terry.She’sthe girl you loved, and she’s gone. I can’t be her, not for you, not for anyone.”

So many emotions passed over his face—confusion, pain, fear, disappointment, sadness, and then anger. “You don’t get to tell me what I want, Mariana. I want you.” His jaw was tense as he pierced me with his gaze. “You—you’re not making sense. There’s one Mariana. It’s you.”

I spoke slowly, “I have changed. I built a new life for myself—”

“Yes, but you’re still you, the girl I—”

“No,” I said firmly. “I’m not. I built a new me. That’s why I changed my name.” I couldn’t read his expression then but kept going shakily. “I—I can imagine it’s hard to understand. But trust me, I’m so much happier with the new me, my new life—so much shame I left behind.”

I wanted to add that being around him had made me question everything, that I didn’t really know who I was anymore, but it hurt to even admit that to myself, much less say it aloud. Instead, I just stared at him, my heart aching as he looked down at his hands.

He opened his mouth several times to speak and then stopped. The slump of his shoulders told me everything I needed to know.

And I realized what I had to do. “Terry, one thing hasn’t changed. The old Mariana was head over heels for you.” I took a deep breath. “And the new me … well, you’re all I think about. You’ve found a—a place in my heart so deep that it’s the one part of me I couldn’t change, that I think maybe will never change.”

One moment, I was peering at him through my tears, and the next, I couldn’t breathe. He’d swept me into his arms, and I was suddenly planted in his lap as our lips molded together. Not a slow, sweet, exploratory kiss, but a deep, breathless one that left me clawing at his shirt and gasping for air when his lips moved to kiss my jaw and then travel downward. When his mouth moved over the pounding pulse in my neck, I mumbled something, lacing my fingers through his hair and pulling him closer as I realigned our mouths. I couldn’t get enough. It was 10 years of no Terry, of never expecting to feel this again. I couldn’t breathe, but I didn’t want to. Nothing mattered but this. Nothing.

“Ahh!” His entire body jolted, and he looked with wild eyes toward the floor.

Dazed, I scrambled off him. “What is it?”

He bent down and then sat back, chuckling. “I think you kicked over the hot cocoa, my foot is soaked now.” At my horrified expression, he added, “Don’t worry, it’s not hot anymore. So, is that your thing now? In the throes of passion, you always kick your legs out? First it was the tree in the ballroom…” He stopped then, noticing my expression. “Mariana, it’s—I was just joking. It’s fine.”

I nodded fast, repeatedly. “Yeah, I know. I’m so sorry. I’ll clean it up right away if you tell me where your cleaning supplies are?” I started to stand, but he took one of my hands.

“Mariana, stop. Breathe. It’s not a big deal, at all.”

I breathed in and out. “Still, I should clean up.”

He grinned. “I can think of things I’d rather do with you. Far more important than any mess.”

Oh my god, what must he think of me? This is—no wonder he’s falling for me again. I’m acting like the old Mariana. I have to put a stop to this,Now.

With panic coursing through my veins, I leg go of his hand roughly and stand up. “I really should be going. But I can clean this up for you first. I am so terribly sorry. This is simply unacceptable—”

He stared at me like I’d grown a third—or fourth—head. “Listen to me. I don’t care about the mess. I care aboutyou. I wantyou. Not you from the past. I want your present, your future. We can light this room on fire for all I care. I just want you.”

As he spoke, the panic started to subside. My eyes filled with tears, and they were running down my cheeks when I sat next to him again.

“Just let me hold you,” he said, stretching his arms around my shoulders, which were shaking as I sobbed.

When my breathing started to slow, I pulled back just enough to look at him. “Terry, you—I’m—” I choked out.

“Shhh, it’s OK, Mariana. All OK.” His expression was gentle as he tried to pull me back in.

“No, I … you need to know. I—I thought I had it all together, the new Mariana did, or so I thought … but lately … well, the truth is, I’m amess, Terry. You don’t want all this. Trust me, you don’t want me.”

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