Page 25 of The Silencer

My legs give out and I sink to the floor, crying so hard I can barely breathe.The party has gone silent and everyone is staring at me, but I don't care.I just want it all to stop.

Lisa kneels beside me, wrapping her arms around me."I'm calling Tammy," she says."We're getting you out of here."

I nod, unable to speak through my tears.As Lisa makes the call, I hear murmurs around me.Some of pity, some of shock.The girls who were gossiping are crying too now, looking ashamed.

It feels like hours before Tammy arrives, though it's probably only minutes.She pushes through the crowd of teenagers, her face etched with worry.

"Oh, Clodagh," she says softly when she sees me.Without hesitation, she kneels down and gathers me in her arms.

"I'm sorry," I sob into her shoulder."I'm so sorry."

"Shh," she soothes, stroking my hair."It's okay.Let's get you home."

With Lisa's help, Tammy manages to get me to my feet.I'm still crying, but softer now, exhaustion setting in.As we make our way through the crowd, I hear whispers and see pitying looks.I close my eyes, leaning heavily on Tammy.

The cool night air hits me as we step outside, making me shiver.Tammy wraps her arm tighter around me as she guides me to the car.Lisa helps me into the backseat, then hesitates.

"Do you want me to come with you?"she asks softly.

I shake my head."No, it's okay.Thanks for calling Tammy."

Lisa nods, giving my hand a squeeze before shutting the car door.As Tammy starts driving, I lean my head against the window, watching the streetlights blur past.

"I met Emmanuel today," I say quietly after a few minutes of silence.

Tammy's hands tighten on the steering wheel."Jacob’s son?"

I nod though she can't see me."He apologized.He said he could have stopped his father, but didn't."

Tammy is quiet for a moment."Oh, sweetheart.I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

"I thought I was getting better," I whisper, fresh tears falling."But it all came crashing back.And then at the party, those girls were saying it was my fault?—"

"It was not your fault," Tammy says firmly."None of it was your fault, Clodagh.You were a child."

We pull into our driveway, but neither of us move to get out of the car.Tammy turns in her seat to look at me.

"Clodagh, listen to me.What happened to you and your family was horrible.It was unfair and cruel and you didn't deserve any of it.But you survived.You're here, you're alive, and you're so much stronger than you know."

I meet her eyes, seeing the love and concern there."I don't feel strong," I admit."I feel broken."

Tammy reaches back and takes my hand."Being broken doesn't mean you're not strong.It means you've been through something difficult and you're still here.We'll keep working on putting the pieces back together, for as long as it takes."

I nod, squeezing her hand."I'm sorry for drinking," I say."And for worrying you."

"I understand why you do it," Tammy says gently."But maybe it's time we look at some other ways to cope?We can talk to Dr.Murphy about it at your next session."

The thought of facing my therapist after tonight makes me cringe, but I know Tammy's right."Okay," I agree quietly.

We sit in silence for a moment longer before Tammy speaks again."How about we go inside and get you into some comfy pajamas?”

I nod, feeling drained and hollow after the emotional roller coaster of the night.As we walk into the house, Tammy keeps her arm around me, steadying me.

Once inside, she guides me to my room."Get changed, sweetheart.I'll make you some tea."

I change into my softest pajamas and wipe off my smeared makeup with a cloth.When I look in the mirror, I hardly recognize myself.My eyes are red and puffy, my face pale and drawn.I look as broken as I feel.

Tammy knocks softly before entering with a steaming mug."Here you go, sweetheart.Chamomile with honey, just how you like it."

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