Page 26 of An Island Promise

‘Next time. I have a few things to do back at Spirit. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

Belle watched Caleb walk away with his hands stuffed in his pockets until he was out of sight. In so many ways he led a wonderful life that people would envy, yet it was laced with sorrow. Her eyes drifted back to the terrace. She picked out the couples snuggled together on their beanbag loungers, their hands entwined, some whispering together, others toasting each other with their glasses of Cava. The emptiness Belle felt was acute. The scene before her was the epitome of romance yet it seemed unattainable. Was she jealous of the happy couples below? Absolutely. Did she want them to have the mostincredible and memorable evening? Without a doubt. Perhaps she shared some similarities with Caleb, not willing to give her heart to someone for fear of it being broken, just for a different reason. She was definitely scared of something going wrong and of no one ever living up to her idea of the perfect man she’d concocted for herself.

As darkness and stars took over andLa La Landstarted playing, Belle considered if it was actually self-preservation that had stopped Caleb from staying, because of course not facing painful emotions was the easier option, but it was a path she was no longer willing to take.

16

Belle sensed something had changed between her and Caleb since they’d chatted together before the outdoor movie; there was a new openness, certainly on his part. He’d always been relaxed and friendly, but he’d been surprisingly honest and had revealed a vulnerability that had moved her and also made her regret that she was withholding something from him when she knew of his relationship with Diego and he knew nothing about hers.

Friday came round, a late night in Ibiza with a DJ playing at Spirit, but 30 June was a date that was ringed in her diary with Laurie and a heart written next to it. After weeks of fertility treatment with injections, blood tests and scans, today was what Laurie had described as hell, the end of the two-week wait when she would find out if all the money, emotion, hope and worry they’d poured into the treatment would be successful or not. The wondering and torment of waiting to pee on a stick and discover if the future they envisaged would come true or not was happening today. It would also be the deciding factor as to whether she’d be coming out to Ibiza next month, and that left Belle torn, desperately wanting a positive outcome for herfriend while selfishly thinking how disappointed she’d be if their holiday together didn’t happen when flights had already been booked and their accommodation sorted.

Belle had been thinking about Laurie all day, frequently checking her phone to see if she’d left a message. When her phone did eventually ring and Laurie’s name appeared, Belle’s heart slammed into her ribs. Maybe she was phoning late because she’d gone out with Ade to celebrate, or perhaps she’d put off phoning because the result hadn’t been what they’d wanted.

‘Hi, Laurie.’ Belle tried to sound natural but her voice was tight and her insides were twisted with anxiety as she curled up on the sofa in Cara’s apartment.

‘It was negative.’ Laurie’s tone was flat and neutral as if she’d already cried out all her disappointment and sadness.

‘Oh Laurie, I’m so sorry.’ What else could she say? Nothing would make the situation better. ‘I wish I was there to give you a hug.’

‘I wish you were here too. More than ever.’

A lump caught in Belle’s throat. While Belle’s move to London had got off to a traumatic start and Gem had ended up stuck and frustrated in Norfolk, it had been Laurie who’d silently struggled after her move to Manchester with Ade for his job. Belle loved city living and Gem would have moved to Manchester or London in a heartbeat, but Laurie was not a big-city type of person. The cracks showed when Laurie talked about Ade’s friends rather than hers, as if she hadn’t managed to make any of her own. They needed two incomes to pay rent and bills so she’d been forced to take a fill-in data-entry job at a recruitment company while she continued to look for her ideal job in a bookshop or theatre or arts-based environment. The trouble was, jobs like that didn’t pay well, so eventually Laurie had given up looking. Gem always made snide remarks abouthow lucky Laurie was but she never saw how dissatisfied she was or how much she’d given up to support Ade. But then Gem made out that her life was far happier and more perfect than it actually was, so why would she see past someone else’s veneer? They were all guilty of misleading each other by hiding their true emotions and feelings.

‘I knew our first IVF cycle hadn’t worked,’ Laurie said, bringing Belle back to the present, ‘but this time I was certain it had. I felt different and yet still nothing. It’s like my body’s playing tricks with me. Maybe getting my hopes up was a mistake. I didn’t believe we’d get lucky on the first go and that proved to be right. I don’t know why I went into this one with a more positive attitude, but I did. I’m massively regretting that now.’

‘Don’t let go of that positivity. I remember you telling me about a couple of women who didn’t even manage to have an egg fertilised. So getting this far twice is something. Just think how long it takes for some women who don’t have any fertility issues to get pregnant?—’

‘Unless of course you’re Gem,’ Laurie said bitterly.

‘What I’m trying to say – badly – is this outcome doesn’t mean there’s no chance.’ Belle paused. ‘Will you try again?’

‘I think we’ll manage one more round, yes.’

Belle stopped herself from saying ‘third time lucky’ because that was far from helpful when she knew there were no guarantees, and what element of luck there was didn’t mean it would go their way however many times they tried.

‘We’re going to take a break for a bit; we’ve done two cycles practically back-to-back and that’s been tough. Honestly, the hormones have played havoc with me and I just need some normality. A bit of time when I’m not continuously holding out hope for something.’

‘What you need is a holiday.’

‘Lucky I’ve got one lined up then,’ Laurie said with a hint of a smile in her voice. ‘Some time away is definitely needed; the stress we’ve put ourselves under…’

Did they need time away from each other? Belle was trying to read between the lines, sensing that Laurie was holding something back.

‘Ade could do with getting away too but he’s thrown himself into work, which always tends to be his coping mechanism. I don’t have that option with my job because it’s the last place I want to be.’

Yes, there was definitely underlying tension, although Belle would have been more surprised if they weren’t struggling in some way. Yet Laurie and Ade were the strongest couple she knew, happily together since they were nineteen. If they didn’t make it, what hope did anyone else have? What hope did she have of being in a relationship as perfect as theirs? On the outside. That’s what it always came down to; however perfect things appeared, no one really knew what anyone else was going through.

‘Well,’ Laurie said with a sigh. ‘There’s nothing to stop me coming to Ibiza any longer. If there’s a silver lining to any of this then it’s getting to see you.’

Laurie’s words filled Belle with joy, the flip side being yet more disappointment for her friend. She missed Laurie. Spending time together would help rekindle their friendship and bring them closer.

‘Have you told Gem yet?’ Belle asked.

‘No.’ Belle imagined her scrunching her button nose. ‘I’m not sure she’ll say the right thing and I don’t want to get upset. I’m already upset but I don’t want to be upsetat her. I’ll message her tomorrow.’

That was the friendship that really needed fixing. All three of them had drifted away from each other and Belle missed thecloseness they once had. She didn’t know if time together in Ibiza would help but at least it would be a start. And she needed to be a better friend, one who wasn’t so tied up in her own worries that she failed to see what was going on in her friends’ lives. Or worse, saw their troubles but chose to ignore them because it was easier. She needed to ask the difficult questions and give her support unconditionally.

‘I can talk to Gem first if you’d like?’ Belle suggested. ‘It’s about time I gave her a call.’

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