Page 25 of Embers in Our Past

“Well, at least now you know you broke his heart, and that’s that,” she says, and I look away, trying to hide the way my cheeks flame.

“Um, what’s that?” she says at the camera, and I keep looking out the window, hoping she lets it go.

“What? The reflection of the sun on the water? It’s beautiful, no?” I say, hoping the view does it.

“Absolutely not. I live in California. I see enough fucking views. Don’t bullshit me, Abby. Look at me.” I move my face toward her but keep my eyes up at my ceiling.

“Motherfucker! There’s more!” she shouts.

“No!” I respond.

“Bullshit! Tell me!” she demands.

“Ugh! Fine!” I say. “There’s more!”

I scratch the back of my head and take a long drink of my water. I feel incredibly parched all of a sudden. Finally, Marissa complains, “What the hell? Are you getting ready for a marathon?”

“Okay! Goodness!” I put my cup down and smooth my hands on my thighs, calming my nerves.

“Well, I felt awful about the whole bar fiasco. Plus, I couldn’t, in good conscience, let Clay think Malloy was really my date, and I wanted to clear the air. So I waited for Clay to return to his apartment,” I say, although the last part was very much whispered.

“I’m sorry. Did you say you waited for Clay to get to his apartment?”

“Yes.” I stand straighter, chin tall.

“You dirty bitch. You fucked him, didn’t you?” She is so vulgar.

“Maybe.” I look down at my nails, not making eye contact.

“Maybe? You don’t remember?” she asks.

“I don’t kiss and tell.”

“You don’t fuck and tell, apparently.”

“Listen, that wasn’t why I went over there. I wanted to explain myself. He deserved to know I wasn’t on that date to hurt him. I just said it was a blind date. That’s what he needed to know. I didn’t tell him about Rios or about Malloy and Rios’s sister. That’s not my story to tell. I don’t want to get involved in their station’s drama. I just wanted him to know I was not there to hurt him.”

“Did you tell him you were there to make him jealous?” Marissa points out.

“Well, no. We started off talking, then things shifted, and the moment I touched him, I guess we just forgot about words. I mean, Marissa, the minute I felt his skin beneath my hand, all bets were off. I swear it felt like an electrical current moving along my palm. I forgot how electric we were together,” I explain, and I can still feel that tingle at the memory of him.

It had always been like that with Clay. Unfortunately, I forgot how special it could be as the moments together felt more rehearsed the more we kept trying for a baby those last few months together. It’s sad to admit that now. I never thought we would get to a point where our lovemaking would be anything other than breathtaking. We were always this force together. Until one day, it just felt like the weight of the world sat between us. At least, that’s how it felt for me.

My therapist in California said that’s common to feel. The battle we start to have within our mind with the blame falling on ourselves becomes increasingly burdensome. I felt like I was the reminder we were struggling. I couldn’t run from myself, so I ultimately felt like a huge problem in the relationship.

“Hey, Abby, where did you go?” Marissa pulls me from my thoughts.

“Oh, just thinking of things in my past.” I give her a small smile.

“Did Clay say something before you left?”

“No, I left before he woke up. I didn’t want things to get too awkward. I knew it was a one-time thing between us. I thought it was best I leave,” I say, shrugging my shoulders.

She gives me a sad smile in return.

“I know I overstepped a bit here.” I give her ayou thinklook, and she amends her statement.

“Okay, okay, I overstepped by a lot. But I still stand by my statement that you two really are an amazing team. I know you went through something tremendously hard together, but I think there are options you could face together to make the family you want,” she reminds me yet again.

---