Page 20 of Embers in Our Past

As I’m moving through the bar on autopilot with Malloy ahead of me, I’m pulled out of my thoughts when I hear Clay’s voice. “What are you doing here with my wife, Malloy?”

My wife. The knife feels like it’s being pushed further into my chest. I’m hurting him even more, and it’s the last thing I wanted to do tonight. Rios knows this isn’t what it looks like, but he’s doing nothing to explain it. Why did he set this up? And why isn’t he intervening? My gaze shifts over to Rios, but he doesn’t make eye contact. This is getting worse by the second.

I should have texted Clay that I was headed to this bar or that I was hanging out with Malloy as a friend, but this thing with Malloy and Rios’s sister isn’t my story to tell. So I’ll honor Malloy’s secret and simply allow this to be a friendly interaction because, to me, it’s nothing more. Too bad both men don’t let me chime in, and it begins to escalate before my eyes.

“Last I checked, she no longer wears your ring on her finger.”Wow, Malloy is really asking for trouble. It’s taking everything in me not to rub the spot between my eyes to calm the throbbing that’s starting to erupt there. The headache I’m going to get from this is going to explode and never die down. I just want to leave this bar and go home. I honestly want to erase this date from ever happening.

I remember Tommy from when I’d come to this bar with Clay, and he’s always welcomed me with the warmest hug and the sweetest smile. But today, he’s got a serious expression and hasn’t once glanced my way. His eyes are glued to Malloy, and I know he’s focused on avoiding a fight in his bar.

Without looking at me, Tommy says, “Hey, Abby, why don’t you and your date head somewhere else. Let’s not cause any trouble right now, yeah?”

I couldn’t agree more, so I rub Malloy’s forearm in hopes of getting his attention. It’s not the first time I’ve touched him in an affectionate way, signifying a friendly connection, but that’s not how onlookers perceive it. Unfortunately, it gets Clay’s attention, too, and I see his gaze directed to where my hand connects with Malloy, and I swear I think Clay is going to blow.

I whisper to Malloy, “Maybe we should head out. This was a bad idea. Let’s grab some ice cream at that place we just passed.”

Hopefully, Malloy isn’t set on standing his ground and staying. When we were having dinner earlier, he didn’t come off as someone who would push too far out of stubbornness just to prove a point.

River decides to speak up and adds, “That’s a great idea. Why don’t you listen to her.” It’s not hard to miss the disappointment in his tone. It’s directed at me, and I deserve it. I don’t know if I’ll come back from this one in the Nichols’ eyes.

I broke this line of trust, not only with Clay but with River too. I love them both in such different ways, and I wish things could have been different. But no matter what I hoped this relationship could have been between us, I caused this rift. Tonight, I have gotten confirmation that he hasn’t moved on. A part of me, the part that has saved that piece of my heart for him, is relieved. That selfish piece of me wants to scream that I want him back. And yet the other part now feels relieved that he can now move on. He deserves more than me. No matter what, though, I need to apologize once things settle down later tonight.

Finally, Malloy grabs my hand and begins to walk toward the exit. Before I break my gaze away, I mouth an apology to River. I really am sorry. No matter what future any of us hold, I love Clay. I will always love him. What we shared is sacred to me. It might be hard for people to understand the choices I made, but I made them out of love. Maybe some think I made them out of selfishness. Some even believe I was being stupid. Without the full story or without walking in my shoes, they can believe what they’d like, but I did what I feel is best for Clay’s future. I am truly thinking of him.

The moment we get outside, I finally take a full breath of air. It felt like I was suffocating in there being surrounded by Clay and all his friends. It took everything in me not to grab Rios by the ear and have a word with him because he acted like he wasn’t a part of this little charade with Malloy. Granted, he had no idea Malloy let me in on the little secret that was concocted, but still, he looked completely innocent in there. If Clay ever finds out why I was with Malloy tonight, I don’t think Rios would be so calm.

“I hate to do this, but I think I’m going to ask you to drop me off. I don’t think I’ll be great company. Plus, I think I should clear the air with Clay before this gets worse.”

“Yeah, I get it. I’m sorry. I hope this doesn’t complicate things more.” He seems completely gutted at my pain, and we look like old friends versus two people who just started this friendship a few hours ago.

“I really appreciate you sticking up for me back there. I know those guys give you a hard time. Rios would be lucky to have you date his sister.” I walk over and give him a hug, even though I’m half his size, and he swallows me up in an embrace.

We pull apart and make our way over to his truck.

“I’ll drive you home.” He opens the passenger door for me, and I struggle to get my short legs up into the raised cab.

“Actually, do you mind dropping me off somewhere instead? I think I should clear the air first.” I decide it’s best I get this over with now, or I’ll never get a good night’s sleep.

“Yeah, no problem.” Malloy closes the door and makes his way to the driver’s side.

The drive is quick, and the conversation is easy. I don’t have many outside of the friends I share with Clay. We’d been together so long that we’ve shared most of our acquaintances since we were in college. When I moved back to California, I kept to myself, assuming most of the people I left in Boston were going to choose Clay over me.

“I really appreciate you hanging out with me tonight. And you’re pretty cool about me being into another chick while I was supposed to be on a date with you,” Malloy says, a playful smile gracing his features.

“Honestly, I was really nervous about tonight. I didn’t even want to go. I would have backed out, but when Marissa puts her mind to something, it’s sort of hard to say no. Hearing you didn’t really want to be on the date was a huge relief. And I got a friend out of it. Now I don’t feel so lonely in this big city,” I say, meaning every word of it.

We reach my destination, and he parks his truck and cuts the engine. The moment he turns toward me, I can tell something heavy is about to come out of his mouth.

“I hope you don’t mind me asking, but why exactly did you and Clay get divorced?” he asks, and I can tell he’s uncomfortable. I really don’t want to end our night on this note, but I also know he was vulnerable with me, and I should have the courtesy to give him a morsel of my truth as well.

“I won’t go through every ounce of my painful past right now, but the plain and simple of it all is, I can’t have kids. Clay and I got married young—like right out of college young. I knew he was it for me. And we wanted to have kids. It was our biggest dream, and the moment we put those rings on our fingers and claimed forever together, we started trying. He lost his father young, and I think he craved as much time being a father as he could. I always dreamed of holding my son or daughter in my arms and wanted to start that chapter in my life as soon as I could.

“At first, of course, it was fun and exciting. But with each failed test, the excitement dwindled, and it became a defeat and heartbreak. At first, we didn’t think much of it. We were trying to just have fun with the process. It was hard, though, not to feel broken each month of failure. Finally, we went to see the doctor. We got answers, and it turns out I have a condition that makes my chances of getting pregnant non-existent.” I practically whisper that last part.

It’s still painful to say out loud. I look out the window, not sure if I feel shame or anger or maybe a little bit of both. It’s hard to process my feelings, even after all this time. I’m a healthy person, and I’ve always taken care of my body. In high school, I was a star athlete on the swim team. I continued to value what I put into my body as I got older and always ate balanced meals. So, it was a shock hearing that my body betrayed me in such a way.

“I’m so sorry, Abs. Did Clay react poorly when he heard? Is that why you broke up?” I see Malloy’s jaw tick, and it’s hard not to laugh at his protectiveness coming out. My new friend is already such a ferocious bear when it comes to me, and I love it.

“Oh gosh, no. The opposite, actually. He treated me like I was so fragile and wanted to make sure I was okay. He was ready to tackle this and try anything to ensure we could add to our family. He was willing to do fertility treatments, adoption, surrogacy. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was the one who left him,” I admit.

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