Page 76 of Until I Break

“I didn’t, Cass. I never once told you who was going to do what. Not even Eliza knew,” Ryan says. “Take a deep breath. Use your safe word if you need.”

“Fuck!” I groan. “Stop! I… Let go of me!”

“Color, Cass. What is it?” Ryan asks, holding my hips to the table.

“Fuck!” I yell out in frustration. “You’re a fucking asshole. Let me go, goddamn it. You lied to me. Let go of me!”

“Color, Cassidy. One word and it stops,” Ryan reminds me. The fucked-up part is that I don’t want them to stop. I want someone to climb on this table and fuck me until I can’t breathe.

“Fuck you,” I snap at him.

Ryan smacks my ass so hard that my brain shuts down for a moment and I can’t open my mouth, or I might actually beg for someone to fuck me. I feel so goddamn pathetic right now. Idon’t know why I am so mad. I knew Julian was going to push things. Eliza told me. She might not have known this would happen. No one lied to me, yet I am so fucking angry at everyone and everything.

The blindfold is ripped off my eyes, and I whimper when Ryan grabs me by the hair and yanks my head up. Now I can see Oscar is the one holding my arms. “Color, Cassidy. If you can’t tell me, we are stopping.”

“No, please. I’m sorry,” I say tearfully. “Green. It’s green. I’m sorry.”

“You have to speak up when someone asks you. That is not up for negotiation. If you can’t speak up, everything stops. Set aside whatever shame you are putting on yourself right now and communicate. Okay? That is how this works. With us, with Oscar and the twins. Okay?”

“Yes, sir,” I say as I try to sniff back my tears. “I’m sorry.” I realize that Julian stopped a while ago. He kept his hands on me, but I wasn’t paying attention.

“You’re good, Juli,” Ryan says before leaning down to be eye-level with me. I rest my head on my arm, and I am desperately trying not to cry. Julian pushes his fingers back into me, and this time it’s different. Panic doesn’t stab through me, and my body relaxes. “Good girl, Cassidy. That’s really good. Relax for him.”

“I’m sorry. I…”

“Shhh. Listen,” Ryan says. “Your night terrors aren’t of Troy. You spent most of the night begging your father to get off you, to stop touching you, and so many other things that will truly haunt me. So much anger showed through in those nightmares, and we all started noticing that when you are triggered, you rage. Even if it is for just a second and you snap at someone with a sarcastic comment, there is anger behind it that I don’t even think you see. We all knew that Julian was a trigger for you, so we needed you to get to that anger and let some of it out. The only way forward is over the obstacles. Your anger and being triggered by a mere attraction to Julian was an obstacle, and we faced it head-on. And you know what, Cass?”

“What?” I sniff.

“You did so fucking amazing,” he says proudly. “I know you have so much more emotion to process, and this isn’t a cure-all, but I think you will find solace in submission. When forced to communicate what you wanted, it pulled you out of that state.”

“No, you smacking the fuck out of my ass, I think, is what did it,” I say.

“Maybe.” He smiles and leans down to kiss my forehead. “Now, we are going to do this impact scene, and then Julian is going to play with you. I have no idea what he has planned, though.”

“Yes, sir,” I say softly.

“You good, Oscar?” Ryan asks.

“Yeah. I’m good,” Oscar says. “It’s hard to see her panic like that and not rush to her, but I appreciate you letting me be close.”

“It’s not letting you, Oscar. You have every right to be here and make calls. One may lead, but we all get an option over the girls and each other,” Ryan says. “You both are nearly codependent and absolutely trauma bonded. There is nothing wrong with that, but you both need to understand that you can trust others with your wellbeing.”

“I thought this scene was for her,” Oscar grumbles.

“We all could stand to use some kink therapy every now and again, bud,” Ryan says.

“He’s totally going to butt-fuck you,” I say to Oscar.

“Are you going to come on yourself then, too?” Julian teases, curling his fingers inside of me.

“Maybe twice if he whimpers again,” I say. “That is so fucking hot that I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“I tease, but I have done it,” Julian says.

“Please, God, tell me you submit for them,” I groan. He laughs and pulls his fingers out of me.

“I do, but they submit for me too,” he says.

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