Page 65 of Until I Break

“Nothing,” I lie as I blush.

“What is it? You were going to say something,” he presses.

“I just… I hear the door,” I say nervously. “I was just going to… I mean, I know it’s not my… FUCK!” I yell out in frustration when I can’t get my thoughts out. I pull away from Gunner and stand up. I suddenly can’t breathe, and the more I try, the worse it gets. Before I can stop it from building, panic slams down on me full force, and I am crying. I can’t hear anyone, and when I feel hands on me, it makes everything worse. All I can think about is the way Trey would hold me down when he took me if he wasn’t punishing me. I knew better than to say no, but that didn’t make things easier. It’s like I can still feel his hot breath on me, and I can’t get the feeling of him off my skin. All of this compounds into my brain processing in flashes, and I can’t think. I can’t breathe. I can’t do anything. Who is screaming? Is that me? Why am I screaming?

I am suddenly knocked to the ground, and the weight of an entire person is on top of me, only it’s not a person. A wet tongue slobbers as one of the dogs lays their entire weight on top of me. “Get off of me, you funny psycho!” I complain, trying to push the slobbering beast off of me. It’s Jack, and he is absolutely delighted to be attacking me. Jill prances over and I try to wiggle free. “Stop! I’m going to drown in slobber!”

Jill lays beside us, and Jack huffs as he lays his giant head on my shoulder. Instead of being annoyed, I just hug him. I don’t realize I’m not panicking anymore until Oscar kneels down and pets Jack. “I could have been mauled,” I say, and Oscar just laughs.

“Off,” Eliza says, prompting both dogs to jump up and move away from me. Oscar takes my hands and pulls me up before wiping my face with a towel Eliza hands him.

“Why did I get laid on by that mammoth dog?” I ask.

“They specialize in PTSD,” Eliza says. “When I have a panic attack or a bad nightmare, one or both of them lay on me until I calm down. I don’t know how it works, but it’s furry magic.”

“What happened?” Oscar asks, taking my face between his hands. I shake my head, and he sighs. “Just focus on me. Okay? No judgment. No emotions.”

“I was going to ask if they were in the room when… I didn’t know… I mean, I don’t…”

“Stop,” Oscar interrupts. “One thought at a time. Baby steps. You wanted to know if they were in the room when we had sex, yes?”

“Yes,” I whisper.

“They were. Does that bother you?”

“No,” I say with an even quieter voice.

“Did you like it?” he asks, and I reluctantly nod. “Say it, Cassidy. Did you like being watched?”

“Yes,” I sigh.

“What about that gives you anxiety?”

“It’s… Stupid. I’m being stupid. I know I’m safe. I don’t know why… I can’t make it stop, but it’s not bad. I don’t…”

“Stop, baby. Shhh,” Oscar says when I overwhelm myself. “Are you scared of one of them?”

“Yes,” I say tearfully. Oscar wraps me in a tight hug, and I sniffle and whimper as I try to hold myself back from crying. He hasn’t done anything wrong, and I’ve never wanted to be railed into an oblivion by someone who scares me, but…

“Who is it, Pebbles?” Gunner asks, gently turning my face to look at him.

“Julian,” I admit, dropping my head in shame. “He’s not… It’s not…”

“Alright. Y’all back off,” Eliza says, shooing the guys away to stand in front of me. When she takes my hands, I look up at her with tears rolling down my cheeks.

“I’m so confused,” I whimper. “I feel like I’m going crazy.”

“Does he scare you or intimidate you?” she asks. “Like, is it fear, or does he make you nervous?”

“Nervous,” I tell her.

“Juli, come here,” Eliza says. When he comes over, I look down. Eliza whispers something to Julian before walking away. I immediately start to panic and try to back away, but Julian grabs my waist and backs me against a wall. I am quickly melting down, but I’m trying to chill the fuck out. I can’t fucking handle how he is looking down at me and smiling. That goddamn smile is dangerous. Eliza is talking quietly to Oscar and the twins, and they are smiling. Everyone is calm, so why can’t I be calm?

“You know I’m not going to hurt you, right?” Julian asks with a soft rumble.

“Yes,” I whisper. When I look down again, he grabs my chin, and a literal squeal comes out of me. A grin stretches across his face as if he has had some sort of revelation as he steps closer. I am pinned against the wall, trying to remind myself to breathe.

“You are so pretty when you are worked up, Cassidy. Do you get like this with Oscar and the twins?” he asks quietly.

---