Page 16 of Until I Break

“Right now? I just want to lie down and read through the messages,” I say. “We have all weekend to sort this out.”

“What do you need from us?” Juli asks, wiping his face. “Anything. You name it.”

“Just lay with me,” I say. “I believe you, Juli. You aren’t a rapist. I’m sorry I called you one.”

“I did rape you, Liza,” he says. “That is what that was. I raped you.”

“Stop, Julian,” I say. “If someone was messaging you, pretending to be me, you both are just as much of a victim as I am.”

“I…”

“Shhh,” I say. “You want to make it up to me?”

“Yes,” he says.

“Then just lay with me and let me read through the messages. Okay?”

“Okay,” he says. “I’ll grab you some…”

“Julian, you’ve been inside me. You can lay under the covers with me,” I say. “Go lie down.”

“Okay,” he says with a heavy sigh. “You too, Calder. Get naked and come join us.”

“Are you…”

“Yes, I am sure. Humor me,” I say as I grab Julian’s phone and move to lie in the center of the bed. Julian eventually gets in bed with me, but Calder is slower to join us. I notice that his dick is just as huge as Julian’s. “Damn, son. Are both of you packing monster dicks?”

“I’m…” Julian starts to say.

“I’m going to tape your mouth shut if you apologize again,” I say. “I am running on adrenaline right now. I will inevitably crash,and I’ll need you two for that. I need to read these messages so I can give myself peace of mind for trusting you right now. Okay?”

“Okay,” Julian sighs.

Calder lies beside me. I am on my back with the blanket pulled up over my breasts as they lie on their sides to face me. I start scrolling until I get to the top and then read each message. I am dumbfounded by how believable this is. The only thing that isn’t true is how confident the messages are. I am shy when it comes to kinks, and even if this is something I’d let them do, I don’t know if I could ever communicate that this boldly. I get to the part where they both admit they love me, and I can’t help but feel giddy reading their words.

“What are you thinking now that you know I wasn’t the one who said this stuff?” I ask, my eyes never leaving the screen.

“Violated,” Calder admits quietly.

“Yeah,” Julian agrees.

I sigh heavily and lay the phone on my belly when I get to the end of the messages. “So, here’s the thing… I am incredibly shy about the shit I am into because Troy shamed me for anything I ever admitted to. It was used against me, and I was mocked for it. Nothing said in these messages is incorrect; just the wrong person was saying it. I’m not nearly this brazen or straightforward, and I don’t know if I’d ever admit to another person that I am into CNC. Troy always forgot the consensual part, and my safe word was never honored. You two did nothingwrong and were pretty mild compared to what he was trying to get you to do.”

“There was a lot we were afraid would trigger you,” Julian admits.

“I do not want to be degraded like that, I don’t think. I don’t want cruelty; I want desperation,” I say. “I fell for you two a long time ago, and if I’m being honest, I love both of you so fucking much. I just need time.”

“We will do anything to make this up to you,” Calder says.

“Just… be with me. If you want me, just be close and don’t let me push you away. If you let me, it will only convince me that you don’t want me.”

“We can do that,” Julian says.

“I’d like to figure out why you two didn’t get my messages.”

“Well, probably a good idea to trash your phone and start fresh,” Calder tells me.

“That makes me worry about my car, too. What if he is tracking it?” I ask.

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